Overlord Academy

I am not completely certain on this, but I think that someone has attempted my assassination. What is even worse, they seem to have enlisted the unwitting assistance of one of the Evil Offspring.

Over the weekend, one of my spawn became very ill. Throwing up, and everything else you would associate with a bad flu. Who do you think contracted the illness next? That’s right, me! I spent all day yesterday either in bed or in the bathroom. By the end of the day, I wished I was dead! To make matters worse, in the middle of the night, I developed a head splitting migraine! Centered in my left eye, it did not just hurt bad, it ruined my balance, screwed up my vision, and nauseated me doubly so than the illness.

Now that I seem to be recovering, I am torn. On one hand, I would not wish this upon my worst enemy. On the other hand, BWAHAHAHA!

When I find out who started this, executions shall ensue!

As you gain power and notoriety, you will begin to notice that you have more friends and family than you had previously known. Some may be legitimate, but for the most part, these are charlatans. These charlatans are looking for a free ride, and willing to get it any way they can, even if it means supporting a corrupt maniacal dictator like yourself. Since there is no greater enemy than family spurned, you will be forced to accept some of these freeloaders into official positions in your empire.

While these freeloaders are looking for an easy way through life, you are looking for someone who can get the job done. Using the manipulation pattern, and some carefully crafted questionnaire forms, you can easily determine the talents of your supposed friends and family. Trick them into accepting positions that they just cannot stand to see not done. Trick them into doing actual work. This way, they will think they are protected from your murderous rage, and you get something done for relatively cheap. They do not need to know what the going salary is for a particular job.

Something that the freeloaders will not understand, and which you can use to your advantage, is that you have no qualms whatsoever in sending close family members to the rack, or imprisoning them, or any other countless evil things to do. You are after all the Evil Overlord. If one of them starts to get a big head, deflate it. Easy.

That being said, I am always looking for a new court jester.

I have discovered a great new form of torture. Blood Donating. It is painful and can have interesting side effects. Collecting the blood is good for the empire, extra blood to give to your soldiers when they need it, or for general health maintenance. This is one of those great for the empire and great punishment things. A win win situation. It is definitely not something I ever wish to experience… Again.

Let me just say that I had an interesting experience on Friday. To read about it please go here.

This past week, the Overlord family packed up and went camping in a remote wilderness. It was a chance to unwind, and ignore briefly the stress of ruling the world. Nevermind working on the curriculum for the school. There were also some extended family members in attendence. I keep them around for inspiration. Inspiration for many things. This post is one of them.

One family member had her kids there. Normally this would not have been a problem, we were in the wilderness, large areas for them to get lost in. These two kids were completely unruly! They have no discipline in their life! They bite, kick, scream, anything to get their way. They ride ripshod over their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, everyone! I enjoy anarchy as much as any other evil maniac, but I will not be disrespected!

Contrast those two little peons, to my children. They are not perfect, but in comparison they are. The Overlord children respect me! They have been taught and disciplined. They know not to play with fire. They know not to hit their ruling father. They know death comes swiftly for even looking at Mrs. Overlord in a threatening manner. My children know how to behave, how to avoid the attentions of any and all adults.

During this week, not once did I need to bend one of them over my knee. The two brats however… Oh yes, they were scolded, not just by me, but by several others not in their immediate family. There were even a few who bent them over their knee. Their parents did not. The interesting thing to note, as soon as an adult established boundries with these brats, they were respected by them. They would obey them, or, in the very least, avoid them completely. Not a bad side-effect, I enjoyed the peaceful quiet.

I have been reminded though, that laws need to be established to ensure that the children in the empire are being properly disciplined. Unruly children will be beaten. Not harshly, but enough for them to know that they screwed up! Punishments will be swift so that the child knows how they screwed up. Parents and/or gaurdians who neglect this responsibility will be beaten. There is no excuse for unruly children!

Every great Overlord has had his opposite. That one person who embodies all the good to counteract all the evil contained in one man. If any one person can end your reign of terror, it is this nemesis. It is obvious then, how important it is to mark out at an early time, just who your personal nemesis is. Once identified, you do not want to kill them. Nature will simply raise up another to take his place. Unfortunately it is the natural order of things. However, if you can subvert this person ever so slightly? I am not saying expect miracles, but the impossible begins to be possible. Besides, if nothing else, you know who you need to spy on, and who to keep under a constant surveillance.

I know who my nemesis is, and let me just say, I have corrupted them enough that I am already getting away with a lot! Pretty soon and I will have my nemesis actually helping me out.

Never underestimate them though! Always be on the guard. They can always revert back to all that goodness. Do not let them stab you in the back. Survival is always first and foremost! Keep a wary eye!

I am one of the first to admit that I am a geek. That being said, let me also state that I have never played Dungeons and Dragons or any other role playing adventure. MMORPGs do not count. I am not saying I have not been intrigued by this particular type of gaming, just that the opportunity has never presented itself.

During the natural course of my alter ego’s professional life, several coworkers decided to learn how to paint miniatures. Naturally I wanted to learn as well. Eventually these classes sputtered and died, but I persevered. Here then, is my first attempt to paint a miniature

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I am officially declaring war upon pigeons.

During this past winter, a mob of these trash birds took up residence on the roof of the Academy. I was completely unwilling to climb up there in the snow and ice to take care of the problem, and the janitor staff managed to get roof work in their contract. I had no choice but to address it myself. (I may be plotting world domination, but I am not there yet. I must still follow the law.) Fortunately a couple of hawks took up residence nearby and scared the pigeons away. I was, however, left with an awful, smelly mess.

Over the weekend I found some time to finally get up there and fully assess the situation. I was dumbfounded at how bad things really were! The rain gutters were completely full of bird poop! Several sections of the roof were completely covered as well. I quickly gathered a few tools, garbage bags and my trusty leather gloves. I then ascended back up to the roof and began clearing the mess. Three garbage bags and thirty minutes of high water pressure later, the roof is once again, clean. There were even dead birds buried in all that poop! It was one giant disgusting mess! New torture method, burial up to the head in bird crap.

If the birds ever show up again, there will be no mercy. Out will come the spike strips. Out will come the traps. And out will come the bags of poisoned bird food. This past winter did not have mercy, only laziness. But that to will be gone if those filthy things return! I had a strong dislike for them before, but now it is pure hatred!

It seems like everyone is harping about this thing called global warming. They go on and on about this being the end of the world as we know it. Animals are going extinct, plants are not growing and the air is unfit to breath.

With all this global “warming” going on, I pose one simple question: Why is it snowing in April and May?

I’m not kidding. I go and buy a new motorcycle to enjoy the warming climate and then it snows the very next day. We are expected to have snow twice this week as well. I have seen no sign of global warming! I have, however, seen plenty of evidence pointing to the fact that the Earth is experiencing menopause. Hot one day, bitter cold the next. Obviously the world upon which we live has hit her mid-life, and is now suffering what all women suffer, screwed up inner workings.

What can we do? How can we repair this travesty? We do the same thing that men have done for countless centuries. Go camping with our buddies, ignore the old hag and generally have a mid-life crisis. In other words, do nothing but ignore the problem and hope she goes away.

Everyone needs one of these!

I am fairly certain that most of society knows what a care package is. Especially in the sense of a VIP gift bag. The Evil Overlord needs to implement a Do Not Care Package system. I am sure once implemented it will quickly become more popular than the care package ever was. Instead of only using for special events, the Do Not Care Package can be used at any time one wished to convey their disappointment, disgust or even just their innate vileness.

The true beauty of this new system of showing your true feelings is that you can time these gifts to arrive at the perfect time to cause the recipient further embarrassment or other uncomfortable situations. For example, at a couple’s 50 year anniversary, you could send the wife compromising photographs of her husband. You of course want him to have a better understanding of where he ranks with you. (For you slower learners, you have a problem with the husband not the wife.)

The really neat thing with this new system is that it truly can be used whenever. You do not need a special reason. You could send the Do Not Care Packages to your heart content, or save them all for that one special moment to capitalize on their pain and anguish.

Perfect for the Evil Overlord!

All of the truly sinister evil doers have their own theme song. Darth Vader has a very recognizable theme song. You hear that music and you KNOW something bad is going to happen. I want a theme song!

The Evil Overlord needs a theme song. Sinister sounds emanating from his person, or blaring from loud speakers as he enters the throne room. What better signal to give to the masses that their very lives hang in the balance than a perfectly crafted piece of music, a true work of art.

The operative word here is music. This by definition excludes country and rap. You may choose to go with standard billboard music, or even alternative, but for a truly great sinister theme, you have to utilize a full orchestra. The high piercings of the strings, the throaty sounds of the woods and the sharpness of the brass all combine to create a truly deep fear of the man approaching.

I think that this needs to be a special contest. Whoever can create a theme song that I find suitable, will forever be execution impermissible. All entrants will have a death reprieve through the end of the contest. Truly disgusting pieces of work will require execution at the end of the contest.

All you would be musicians, get to work!

This past weekend, Mrs. Evil Overlord gave birth to my new spawn. Cute little bugger. Of course this begs the question, is having children advisable for an Evil Overlord? The answer is of course, no. However, I had already multiplied before crafting the rules that this school teaches. The children born after the rules are to cause trouble for the earlier spawn. So I am fine. All my spawn have a reason for continued life.

I do need to be careful though. They now greatly outnumber me. Should they ever get past their petty differences and gang up against me… The results would be disastrous! One more reason for avoiding offspring as the Overlord.

Every regime has a desperate need to communicate quickly and precisely, having no fear of the opposing forces understanding what is being said. Ever. Before communism, during the height of the czars reign, the royal court spoke french. I am certain this is what led to their downfall, but they were on the right track. Royalty could easily communicate, and the peasants and servants would have no clue as to what was being spoken. State secrets were indeed kept secret from the populace, as long as no one spoke french.

As Evil Overlord, you need to follow the old Russian examples. You need a secret language that only a few trusted advisors can speak and understand. It needs to be versatile yet precise. It needs to be quick yet all encompassing. These seem as opposites, but they are doable. English started out that way, until all the rules and exceptions cluttered it all up. You need to employ a brilliant linguist.

The linguist that you hire will be given the task of devising an entirely new language. You may or may not choose to utilize a new alphabet. I encourage you to do so since it adds a secondary level of secrecy. Have him focus first on battle and business language. You can begin to use the new language right away. Internal memos, and over the air communication will be safe and secure.

However it is important that you hire a competent linguist. If you fail to do so, the new language will be broken quickly by the opposing governments and therefore compromising your safety. You will of course be forced to execute the previous linguist and hire a new one. The obvious problem with this course of action is the need to learn a new language all over again. The Evil Overlord has precious little free time as it is.

A true babel fish will destroy any hope of pulling this off.

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We all know what conspiracy theories are, they are the seemingly inconceivable ideas that the government is doing something illegal, and some nut job is the only one who knows the truth and is trying to get the world to believe him. Conspiracy theories. Yes, some people do believe these theories. Some of these people even have the authority to do something about it. But they never do because they are afraid of what will happen to them. 

As the Evil Overlord, you can use the power of these theories to keep your underlings in line. If word were to get out on the street that you are doing secret medical experiments on the citizens, say putting fluoride in the water, that information would have to come from someone. None of your underlings will want to admit they said something, so odds are, none of them will leak anything out. You leak information out yourself. Keep the nut jobs happy, and keep an eye on your underlings. If any of them start acting suspicious, blame them for leaking information, and then have them executed.  On the other hand, you can pay close attention to what these theories are. Because if you did not leak the information, someone else did. You have a mole in your ranks, and moles need to be exterminated. Conspiracy Theories help us no matter which way you look at them.

The greatest evil empire in existence today has a major critical flaw. The stores started by Sam Walton have everything at cheap prices. Customers are driven there with the promise of smaller bill at the end of the day. At first glance everything appears to be set up with perfection, and despite the obligatory naysayers, the casual observer would swear that the plan is perfect. There is a glaring flaw which they seem powerless to correct.

Once you have collected in your cart everything your heart could desire from the heavily leaden shelves, you make your way to the checkout stands. With a simpletons grin, you are amazed at how many cashiers there are. You gleefully take your place at the end of a given line assuming that your turn will be quick in coming.

About twenty minutes later, you are horrified in the realization that you have only moved forward the length of two carts. With time, and repeat visits, you are further horrified that you continue to subject yourself to this hell. You have no loyalty to the empire, and only continue parting with your money because there is not a better place to go for all of your shopping needs under one roof. If something better were to come along, you would be among the first to go.

So what is it that ruins the shopping experience? It is not the cashier, the poor soul who is forced to take the brunt of frustrated shoppers. It is the poorly designed checkout stands. There are no clearly designated lines, each aisle leads to two stands. Customers who have finished their transactions are blocked by customers waiting their turn, which backs up the already clogged lines. There is no room to place items on the stands in preparation of checking out, and the rotary bag holders forces the customer to check, double check, even triple check that they have collected all of their bags. There is no location for large items to be placed, and the whole setup has limited surface space to even collect the items. Instead of quickly gathering the paid for items, the customer is forced to slow down and painfully collect their items, further backing up the lines.

This single poor experience has ruined the potential loyalty of these customers, thus leaving a huge open door for competition to step in and take over the market. As a budding Evil Overlord you need to learn from Sam’s mistake. The last experience a customer has defines the total experience. However you entice your subjects to take their first steps to captivity is one thing, but winning their hearts and therefore their loyalty is something else altogether.

Halloween is hands down the best thing to come from the Pagan beliefs of old. As Halloween is done with, and as the kids all suffer from sugar overdose, let us ponder how Halloween can be used in our empire. First of all, Halloween allows even the most timid to break out of their shell and act the fool. Granted, as shells are broken dangerous ideas are born, but in the eventual sugar overdose, those ideas are soon forgotten in the sugar rush blur. We do not really care about that, we care about increasing our control over the masses. The biggest benefit comes from the costumes. Very quickly you will find those with the most imaginative minds. The most creative, the most likely to come up with fresh ideas. As Overlord you can choose, find this new talent and make use of them, or let them remain anonymous, quietly plotting your down fall.

Hold annual costume contests. Offer large prizes to entice participation. Even offer smaller prizes to all who dress up, sort of like giving them a bone. They will think you are letting them have fun, but you will be secretly taking notes. Use Halloween to your advantage. Exploit your workers. Strengthen your control over them. Bring the kids to the office, give them candy. Now the workers think their families are being taken care of. Major moral boost and in the big picture, cost you very little.

Having put much thought into how best to convert the younger generations to your way of thinking, coupled with a forced trip to a cartoon based theme park in southern California, an Overlord Theme Park would be a perfect tool. Walt realized what he had in California, but recognized flaws in the initial design. He started plans for a better design in Florida, but died before completion. This is for the best, since his heirs have screwed up so badly, that they will never be able achieve what we will hope to achieve. 

Building upon Walt’s plans, we will do things differently. For starters, we will have the luxury to build wherever we want, because as Overlord, we do not care what we destroy to build what we want. We want to build where good weather is almost guaranteed, and getting to and from does not present new problems. Southern California would be ideal, minus all the liberals and tree huggers, and the extreme overcrowding. Nevada is too hot and dry. Utah gets snow and despite being a desert, a lot of rain. But manageable in southern Utah. Arizona is hot, dry, but has potential in more mountainous areas. So there are some good locations, wide open, and close to all ready established freeways.  We follow the plans for that place in Florida, one giant basement under the entire park. Access ways throughout the park allow for character movement without being seen, as well as keeping an eye on potential troublemakers. All utilities can be piped around in this area as well making future expansion easy and more flexible. Garbage cleanup is a must and can be gathered through vacuum tubes (central vac) also in this basement area. Storage safe from the elements can also be located here. In essence, we have a very useful space, completely out of the site of the public. Use your imagination. 

Visible to the public, outside and inside the park, very careful planning and effort needs to go into landscaping, building placement, shopping, and attractions. Quick and easy access needs to be provided which still maintains absolute security (your life is worth it right?) and minimal loss to potential income. Get the people in and out fast with no hidden surprises, while collecting money. All attractions need to be fun, with minimal wait times. People hate waiting. All attractions need to be based on a character, story, or other form of entertainment, making it easier for the public to become attached. Attached people have a hard time giving something up. This translates into more money and brain washing opportunities. Although we absolutely despise tree huggers and the whole hippie movement, we do want lots of trees, and other plant life. If nothing else, it provides shade, and other cooling factors. If you had to stand in line, would you rather be standing in the middle of an asphalt square, or under a tree? 

If you feel that a city sized park is what you want, be sure to provide free transportation around the park. If the back of the park never gets visited because it is too far away, you have wasted time, money, and overcrowded other parts of the park. Making a bad experience for attendees, and a disillusionment in your abilities as Evil Overlord. 

Finally, change is good. If a ride gets old or stale, don’t hang onto it for sentimental reasons. Continually give the park a face lift. New rides and attractions equate to potentially new visitors. Large, permanent, even trendy structures may seem like good ideas, but eventually the newness wears off, and you find yourself stuck with an eyesore with very limited usefulness. Learn from Walt’s mistakes, and admire his ideas. If used properly, generations will find themselves endeared to you instead of rebelling against you.

I have unwittingly discovered a new torture device. Take whatever group you wish to torture and put them to work on a project. Give them a very definite deadline. Force them to work long hours, with constant promises of reward and potential future opportunities. When the deadline arrives, keep everyone awake and ready in case of any problems, for three days. Finally, instead of granting any sort of break or relief, put them back to work demanding more of their time, energy, and will to live. After a week of that, they will be willing to do anything.

While anything can be potentially bad for you, the Evil Overlord, for an individual skilled in torture, this can be a great asset. You will quickly recognize the breaking point, and be able to direct the pending explosion skillfully to achieve many of your goals. Goals that include removing the competition, getting media attention, or even just practice. The point is, you have now learned about a very effective torture tool. Any victim who happens to survive this torture method, will be able to wear the mantra, “I’m not dead yet.”

Bureaucracy is a beautiful thing in any government. It is the greatest asset any governing body has in keeping the peasants at bay. Without all the red tape, the peasants would be constantly hounding you and your subordinates for anything and everything under the sun.

Paperwork is the backbone of a great system of red tape.  Long and cryptic forms force the weaker minded human subspecies out of scope, leaving only the truly determined, and potentially dangerous, peasants for the government to truly have to worry about. These few can then be micromanaged and bounced from department to department long enough for the real decision makers to decide how to handle the particular threat.

Although the proverbial paper trail is slowly vanishing, internet forms can be just as complicated, and even more troublesome than their paper counterpart. The forms can be hidden in such a way, that it is next to impossible to find and fill out. The only thing that you want to be easy, is payment of the fees. Anything that can pad the treasury is a good thing.

Change all forms on a random schedule, but always in the middle of a major sporting event. This will confuse the fools even further as they tend to browse the internet a lot right before a game, make a decision during the game, and then act after the game. By the time they act, the game has changed, and they are caught completely unaware.

This red tape can even be used within the government to keep the different groups from banding together and potentially staging a coup. Coups of course, tend to be bad for the health of the Evil Overlord.

An added bonus for the Evil Overlord, is that a special document can be set up that is easy to fill out, trumps all other orders and forms, and only available to the Evil Overlord that speeds up all processes, and gains him instant gratification of any want and/or desire. Thus making life hard for others, and easier for yourself.

Start now in writing up the red tape plans, they take time to create, and when finished, can be a true work of art.

If you ask any stranger, and especially any beauty pageant contestant, what the single greatest thing they want to see, the answer invariably is world peace. They give this answer, not because they desire world peace, but because it is supposed that that is what others desire and want to hear. When we get right down to it, mankind individually desires power, wealth, and total dominion of the surrounding world. Peace is not the desire, but more often than not a byproduct of absolute rule.

As the world currently stands, we have multiple countries, competing against multiple religions, all wanting their force their ideals on those around them. The only reason they want to force their ideals on others is because at some point, something important to their beliefs occurred in someone else’s land. Contention ensues, and war begins. People say they want world peace, but it will never happen as long as everyone believes differently.

That is where we step in. As we take over the world, continuity begins. The same military and police forces enforce the rules of the empire. Everyone becomes equal, except for the french who will be crushed into oblivion. Everyone hates france so what does it matter? Childish quarrels over holy lands will cease the moment of detonation. If the land is no longer valuable, the fighting will end. If the fighting continues, both fighting forces will be captured and publicly executed. The message will quickly spread that fighting will not be tolerated, and peace ensues. It has been stated by others, but it applies to this situation, Peace through Domination.

If anyone ever states they want world peace, enlist them into your plans. If they truly desire world peace, they will sign on. If they do not truly desire peace, they will make up some excuse and give you plenty of room. Helping you out either way.

Layoffs in any form can be very detrimental to the Overlord’s empire. Layoffs, which include firings, and mutual separations, harm moral since friends and acquaintances are leaving, and creates a potential hole in security because of knowledge now walking freely in the open.

The fix for this is really simple, and yet current corporations cannot bring themselves to implementing the proper course of action. The proper course to follow when needing to terminate someone’s employment is to simply terminate the individual. You transfer them into a “new” department, and then, when ties to others in the company have been severed, you do the typical Evil Overlord thing, and shoot them. You can do something elaborate, send them on a training somewhere and have the plane crash, maybe make some money from the insurance issues, but that gets kind of messy.

This does not address the true issue though, and that is the problem with your hiring practices. If there is a people conflict, odds are your managers do not know how to get along with their employees, or simply do not care. And very likely, one or the other involved never should have been hired in the first place.

Granted, you should work on, and solve the underlining problems, but let us face it, you chose to be an Evil Overlord not because of you understanding heart, but because of your ruthless, bloodthirsty nature. So go ahead and terminate those employees however you see fit. Anyone who complains, shoot them as well.

As you begin planning, and then building your Seat of Power (fortress), you need to pay special attention to the approaches of this structure. You need to weigh the importance of easy access for day to day operations against slowing down possible would be attackers. Your fortress may be impregnable, but we really want to prevent attackers from reaching the structure.

We will begin with constructing a wall around the perimeter of the property. This wall will have only one opening, with large gates sealing shut the opening whenever needed. The wall should angle out has it goes up, making it that much harder for someone to climb over. The top should be covered in razor wire coils, and broken glass shards.

If by some ill fate of luck, the attackers have penetrated past the wall, we must now engage our more sinister tools. Just inside the wall, a security road circles the property. As soon as the attackers reach this road, secret mechanisms activate which drop the surface of the road fifteen feet, into a spiked pit. With any luck, many if not all of your attackers will die in the fall. If not, reset the road, they will be trapped with no way out. They will die of hunger and thirst. You could drop and reset the road many times during the attack.

If they make it past the road, the grounds need to transform into a maze with deadly booby traps. Kill, hurt, and maim the attackers. If they reach the actual fortress, their resolve is fairly strong, and you must rely on the defenses of the fortress itself from this point forward. Some of these defenses could already be employed. All during the attack, snipers from your fortress could be taking pot shots at the foolish attackers.

The problem with taking vacations as Evil Overlord, is that no matter how well prepared you leave the office, some problem will arise fifteen minutes after you leave. Instead of remaining focus on regular duties, everyone focuses on this new issue. The odds are, had you remained in the office, you would have deemed the issue unimportant and nothing would have been done anyways. Instead you have the entire employed force working on a stupid issue and not accomplishing anything else. In the end, solving the one problem will only bring up thirty more problems, and that is what you will have to look forward to at the end of your vacation. No work done, and new disasters to have to take care of.

While away, someone will always need to be able to contact you, but if you are not careful, your vacation will quickly turn into not a vacation. If you truly cannot trust your underlings to think for themselves, and to obey orders, set aside no more than one hour each morning. At the end of the hour, cut all communication. You need to relax, you have too much on your shoulders, and if you do not relax, you are going to be wound up tighter than any politician working on a pet project.

It is true, when you return to the office, you will have a huge back log of emails, phone messages, and paper documents to go through, but if you planned accordingly, you will be just fine. If you cannot plan for, or anticipate this potential mess, you are better off not taking a vacation. In truth, you are better off not pursuing a career of Evil Overlord. You are a pansy, worse than the french, and should just turn back now.

It is a sad fact that politics take such a predominant place in our society. If it were not for politics, we would probably all be living in peace with our neighbors, and have everything that we could ever want. On the flip side, if we were all living in peace, there would be no need for someone to be an Evil Overlord.

As a prospective Evil Overlord, you need to learn politics, and how to manipulate them. There is a lot of power available to the right person, you just need to muscle your way into the right position. Make connections, get to know people from all walks of life. If you have a bridge, be careful not to burn it. Once you have a network of people established, you can wield your little army with precision to accomplish all sorts of tasks pertinent to your take over plans. You can also use this army to manipulate local governments, rules, and regulations, to make your bid for world domination that much easier. Just be very careful to never contradict yourself, or to make a fool of yourself. Unlike Al Gore who is consistently in the news for all the wrong reasons.

Another problem with being married, as Evil Overlord, is that in order to tolerate being married to you, the Evil Overlord, your spouse will naturally have some of the same qualities necessary for an Evil Overlord. What this means, is that your wife will quickly earn on her own activities, the title of Mrs. Evil Overlord.

It will not take long before she will be trying to not just kill off your friends, and trusted advisors, but maybe even you. She will want her own entourage, slaves, and secret laboratory. Soon she will have her own doomsday device, and will be threatening to destroy the world if she doesn’t get her way, or if she gets really mad. Meaning, the world will be threatened once a month, every month.

If you find that you are already married, you had better learn to harness her anger, and focus it on your own plans. Keep her engaged in activities that will benefit both of you. You cannot ignore her, nor do you want her to gain more power than you yourself have. If that fact is inevitable, embrace the fact that people will soon be calling your wife, Mrs. Evil Overlord. And be prepared.

There is some type of weather that you absolutely dislike. I hate rain. Snow I love, and sleet I can tolerate, but rain, I hate. If I could, I would eliminate rain all together. However, I am not a great fool, I know how important rain is for sustaining life, especially my own. Instead of eliminating rain, if I had a weather control device, I could turn off the rain if I had something planned for the outdoors, or even for a few minutes as I need to be outdoors. Making life for the Evil Overlord, me, so much more enjoyable.

As a side benefit of a weather control device, it can be used as or in conjunction with a dooms day device. It can also be used to target parts of the world to make them fruitful once more. There are many deserts which get very little moisture which could be turned into fertile soil. There are other parts that get too much rain, and they can be toned down a lot. So the evil overlord would not be the only one benefitting from a weather control device.

It is too important, you must be able to control the weather. It works like this, you have this device, and it controls the weather. It is simple. The design is beautiful. Everyone will want one, and only one will have it.

If an employee ever gives the reason for employment termination as, “Pursuing Other Opportunities,” or something similar, you are in for some rough roads. We all know that the unspecified other opportunity is a very lucrative position with the competition, and they do not want you to know about it. You do not want them to leave, because you know that they will leak out all of your plans, and business dealings. This is really bad, because us an Overlord hopeful, your competition is another Overlord hopeful. Someone as ruthless as you. You do not want to make a counter offer, because you know they are unhappy under your employ, and may seek extra funds by selling company secrets on the side.

You are left with but a single option. Shoot to kill. You do not want your plans leaked. You do not want any possibility of it happening. Even if the individual had zero access and zero knowledge, you still want to prevent the other guy from having a top notch employee. You know they are top notch because otherwise, you would not have hired them.

A side benefit of this course of action is that employees will no longer be interested in pursuing other opportunities. If they know they will be shot, they are not going to be looking. If they are not looking, they will not know who to go to attempting to sale your secrets.  You now have to work on ways of keeping them from going postal, but at least your secrets are safe.

If your scientists are ever lucky enough to stumble upon alien technology, exploit the new technology as much as you can. Reverse engineer everything possible. Use this new knowledge all throughout your empire. This will serve two purposes. The first, and most obvious, is that you will be so much farther ahead than your enemies. They will still be operating in today’s technology, while you will have the power of the future. The second, and probably the most crucial, when the aliens who mistakenly introduced their technology to you returns, you will be prepared for them.

Since you have already learned everything possible from their technology, they will not have anything to offer in exchange for help or what have you. You will probably also have discovered their armament and have that spread across your empire, making it so much easier to take down and destroy the aliens. After all, the odds are that they are here on Earth for a more sinister plan than just passing by, or to collect their fallen comrades. They are more than likely scoping the place out, figuring out how best to destroy us all. If you can fight back with their own technology, they aren’t going to want to start anything, and may just leave everything alone.

If these aliens turn out to be giant autonomous robots, technology alone is not going to save us. They are going to be big piles of moving, heavy, metals. They can and will crush you like a bug. At this point, your only hope is that an opposing alien robot force comes to fight along side your armies. At the end of the battles, odds are they are going to want something as well. So just make sure you have something in reserve to take them out as well.

What you wear as an Evil Overlord is very important, as discussed earlier. There are some articles of clothing that should never be worn, ever, by anyone. These pieces of clothing should be banned from society, with a very severe punishment allotted for law infringement. Anything spandex is straight out, wrong. What it shows off and removes from any need for an imagination is wrong. No matter how attractive you may think you are, spandex is not the way to go.

This leads us into swimming suits, since they can be made of like material. If you are planning on walking around, not actually out in the water at the beach or pool, then you need to cover up. Big, skinny, tall, short. I do not care, cover up if you aren’t swimming. The reason for this is simple, and leads into our next article of clothing, shorts.

Unless you are in private, or involved in an activity like swimming or other sport, do not wear shorts. The reason for this is simple. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Odds are you are pasty white to begin with. If you were to go out in the sun dressed like that, the rest of us would be blinded from the glare. Next, the odds are you are extremely underweight and therefore have chicken legs, or you are larger than you should be, and have excess skin flappage. Again, no one wants to see that. But wait, you say. I have perfect legs, and a beautiful tan! No I doubt it. There are so few perfect legs, with perfect coloring, that you should really stop trying to kid yourself. Your legs are hideous, and I do not want to see them!

Shorts are bad. I do not want to see you in them. Unless of course, you are one of the small handful with a perfect body and image. For the viewing enjoyment of everyone, you may wear shorts. You may apply for a short license at any public relations office. You will be put through a strict test, measuring color, drool factor of the opposite sex, muscle tone, length, and other good taste judgments. It is not an easy test to pass. Those who fail the test will be executed for forcing the test administrators to look at your hideous legs.

As stated in previous posts, no matter how strongly you may wish, you will never have special powers. X-Men mutants can never happen, and the power of the force is not real. You cannot crush throats like Darth Vader. You cannot shoot lightning out of your hands like the emperor. And no matter how cool Yoda is, you will never be as awesome. The force, and mutant powers are all make believe. We are reiterating this fact because there are those of you who continually ask for instruction, and talk about, these powers.

If you find that in spite of reality, you do have special powers, use them. Use your powers often. Use your powers in the open. Make the peasants and other world leaders fear you! Be careful not to disfigure yourself using your powers like the Emperor. Make sure you do not drive yourself insane denying the powers that you have.

Since no one else has these powers, you are special. There is no one else to teach you. There is no one for you to rely on. The world governments will try to control you, and people will fear you. It is going to happen. So learn to use your powers fast. Do not shun them. That way, when the governments do come around, you can control them instead, and use them in your plans for World Domination. The hated land of france will be a good testing ground. The people are pansies, and will in no way try to stop you. They will just look the other way and talk about the latest vintage. You can also use elves as targets.

One of the biggest pitfalls of having powers, will be the tendency to rely on them completely. This is bad. Powers can be blocked or countered leaving yourself defenseless. Do not shun other weapons. Know how to use high and low tech weapons, and always keep some on your person. Hidden. Secret, and unknown from even your closest advisors.