Overlord Academy

April 26, 2022

Online Courses

Filed under: uncategorized,world domination — Elvenbane @ 11:55 am

This just in! The online courses have begun! Race over to YouTube (Run don’t walk) to get signed up! You won’t want to miss a single video!

The introductory episode is here –> https://youtu.be/CF4LPfyMZ_8

September 10, 2014

Alarm System

Filed under: computers,office,seat of power — Elvenbane @ 7:46 am

Every prospective Overlord needs an alarm system. This system is not just about keeping the would be hordes from entering your abode, but also to help keep in the minions, prisoners, and guests of state. Never pay a monitoring service! They charge insane monthly amounts for doing absolutely nothing. All you need is the right equipment, some simple software, and you can monitor the system yourself! The Overlord Academy is currently in the process of revamping it’s alarm system. Soon I will be able to arm, disarm, panic button whatever, from the ease of any arm chair in the world. This is in thanks to the state of the art network and VPN system as well as custom in house alarm management software.

May 28, 2014

Notes from the Grounds Keeper

Filed under: announcement — Elvenbane @ 8:56 am

The grounds keeper has pointed out that several large moats have been dug in the grounds surrounding the Academy. If you do not wish for a painful death, you would be wise to avoid these moats. More construction on these moats will commence in the upcoming days. Also, the greenhouses are progressing nicely. They should be ready in time for the next semester classes.

January 16, 2013

Another move

Filed under: announcement,seat of power — Elvenbane @ 10:16 pm

The official location of the Academy has finally changed. Everything is in disarray as boxes are being unpacked, and the torture implements are put away. The dungeon is a nice frigid temperature. This new facility is brand new, state of the art! The cafeteria microwave does not just beep at you when it is done, no, it plays music!

The minions are excited! Oddly enough though, they are not helping with the unpacking, but have instead jumped head on into their experiments.

This location is so much better than the last location. When I’m not busy torturing the captives, or teaching the minions, I can gaze out upon a frozen wasteland and plan my world domination. You need to have your dreams!

December 3, 2012

Tis’ the Season

Filed under: elves,government — Elvenbane @ 11:06 am

December. In the northern hemisphere it is cold, overcast, with various shades of brown thrown into the mix; and oddly, for a vast majority of the residents, a happy time of year. Most in this group celebrate a religious holiday. They call it something different, Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever, but by and large it is a religious holiday.

There are movies made centered around what is the true meaning of the holiday. There are all sorts of commercial traditions designed merely to line the shop owners’ pockets. Atheists complain about the reason for the season, but secretly just wish someone would give them a present.

There are those who want to get rid of the holiday, millions of kids who want the holiday to stay, and you, as the budding evil overlord, should want the holiday to stay.

“That is absurd!” I can hear some of you saying. Well it isn’t. So shut up! You want the religious types to be mollified during the holiday, and if you give the atheists a present, everyone will be happy for a brief month during which you can plan more ways to oppress them more.

So while you are out on the streets, and passersby wish you a Merry Christmas, or Happy Hanukkah, or whatever it is they wish you, smile, wish them the same thing, and quietly go on your way in the sure knowledge that the people are already mostly under your rule.

Just be careful around those elves that the jolly fat man employs!

November 26, 2012

The rightful place of socialism

Filed under: government,law — Elvenbane @ 11:33 am

With the most recent United States of America elections outcome, I have been thinking about socialism. During my youthful training, I spent a few years in Russia. This was shortly after the communistic regime had collapsed. The socialistic programs and their outcome were still evident. The people spent all those years living in squalor, equally. The leaders, not so much squalor, but they still had to deal with shoddy workmanship.

As you go out and establish your own empires, remember the lessons learned from Russia, China, North Korea, Cuba, and many others. If you want to destroy the country, implement Socialism. If you want your empire to ultimately fail, socialism is the way to go! Sure you might be a clenched fist tyrant, but if enough people rise up against you, no matter how hungry they are, you are going to fall.

For a truly successful empire to last, your subjects need to be free; or at least the illusion that they are free. Free to choose not to buy their own health insurance. Free to choose which doctor they visit and what care they will pay for. Free to choose what kind of life they want to live, and free to earn the money to afford their chosen lifestyle. If they are unable to earn the necessary funds, they obviously will not be living that lifestyle! The government is not going to pay for them, nor will the rest of the nation.

Granted, there will need to be regulations to prevent price gouging and stiff penalties for those who adversely affect others. Causing a car accident and not having insurance for example. Basically, let the people govern themselves. This means less work for you as the ruler, and oddly enough, will win the adoration of your subjects. You can still do all those heinous things you desire, but your subjects will willingly turn a blind eye to them!

In summary then, if you want to destroy your empire implement socialism.

I will not.

August 15, 2012

A slow year

Filed under: announcement,seat of power — Elvenbane @ 1:20 pm

As is evident by looking at the posting date of my last post, it has been a slow year.

It has not been a slow year. In fact, it has been an extremely busy year! So busy, that no time was allotted in updating the blog. So, a quick synopsis shall be given.

The minions are all a year older. The minion’s pets have been evicted. One sank it’s fangs into my arm, and quickly learned how to fly.

It is also time for a great announcement! The academy is once again going to move! This move should be the final move. A new building is being constructed. Just yesterday the footings were poured. The design phase is already completed. It is sit back and wait time.

The IT department is thinking about changing technology with the move, but I’m not holding my breath!

March 25, 2011

Server upgrade and new library

Filed under: announcement — Elvenbane @ 7:46 am

иконописикони богородицаWe were experiencing some OS issues here at the Academy. Therefore, we have upgraded the OS to something better, and installed a library system. You will find the library in the page section under the heading Biblioteka. Library registration is required and only available to upper class students. Please let the librarian know that you would like access to the facilities.

June 2, 2010


Filed under: office,seat of power — Elvenbane @ 9:39 am

секцииJust a general FYI. The move of the Academy is finished, and is being considered a success. Despite the caverns of “junk” which had to be relocated, the move went off with only minor glitches.

May 27, 2010

Emergency Academy Move

Filed under: seat of power — Elvenbane @ 9:27 am

Due to a security breach, it has been determined to be prudent to move the Academy to a new secret location. The new location has some special benefits which I am sure will be found to the liking of the student body.

There will be minimal downtime in connectivity while the internet connection is moved. Fortunately the move is happening after the current semester so the students should have no interruptions to their studies.

Defenses have already been installed at the new location, as have the outdoor training facilities. Although there will be new equipment arriving tonight. With a little bit of luck, this will be the last temporary location before the final home of the Academy is constructed.

December 29, 2009

End of Year Review – 2009

Filed under: seat of power — Elvenbane @ 11:18 am

Thus we come to the end of 2009. As the Dean it is my job to give an end of year review. Much has happened, both good and bad. And so, if you will join me as we engage the way-back machine…

The economy is a complete shambles and I blame the democrats. Despite that, the Overlord Family was able to take a few vacations this past year. There was the standard week at Trial Lake. There was much fishing, game playing and overall merry making. There is a huge vacation planned for this coming year. The minions are all looking forward to that one! Their reward for not offing me.

The minions are all growing at an alarming rate. Of the four, I believe it is the youngest which will actually become a threat. Already he is destroying the Seat of Power. Captain Destructo is what we call him.

Mrs. Overlord is modifying her alter ego slightly, and is giving up her external job. Lets just say that the minions are becoming too large of a threat! Hopefully she will be able to reign in the destruction.

Tank One has had a few breathing problems this past year, but is extremely healthy in spite of his down time. He is the comedian here at the Academy. Every school must have one I guess.

The Princess seems to be on top of everything. She will be tested in the next few months for advanced placement. You always worry about these types of tests, but I’m not that concerned, she is a dead ringer for every one of the requirements.

Mini-Me is just cruising along. Oddly enough he is captain of the Academy’s track team. He being one of the only members of the staff who enjoys running. He spends a lot of time in front of the computer as well though.

The media player has been upgraded, the firewall has been strengthened and the media server is in the process of being moved to a beefier machine. There has been talk of switching out the internet provider to one which is slightly more stable, quicker, but no static IP. Meaning safegaurds will have to be implemented in order to ensure that this site remains available. More headaches for the IT department I am sure. But still just in the discussion phase.

This has been a tremendous year for the Academy, and this coming year looks to only improve. And hopefully, updates will become more frequent.

Doomsday device plans are beginning to come together, supplies may be purchased in the next couple of months to begin construction. Then again, probably not.

August 10, 2009

Health Care Reform

Filed under: government,uncategorized — Elvenbane @ 11:55 am

It is currently being debated in the dark depths of the U.S. government about how we will reform the Health Care System. Personally, I feel that the Obamanites are doing us all a huge disservice. Socialized medicine does not work! I have seen the health care system in Russia and I fear for what will happen here. Over there you went to the hospital to die, not get better. Everyone knows that the Canadian system is a joke. Why is it that we want to follow in their footsteps? Should we not be leading the way instead of following?

Yes, Health Care Reform is important. Yes, everyone should have easy access to Health Care. Healthy individuals are more productive than unhealthy ones. How can our empire thrive on sickness? It is important however, to first analyze and determine what exactly is wrong with the current health care system. It is obviously the cost. Why is it so expensive? Several reasons, but most stem back to personal greed.

The average American is now considered to be obese. In other words, the average American has accumulated enough fat as to be detrimental to their personal health. Obesity has been directly linked to all sorts of diseases and medical problems. Taking care of these problems is very costly. Since health insurance is a shared plan between a large group of people, everyone’s rates go up in an effort for the insurance companies to make money. I have to pay more money to keep the fat slob, three cubicles over, alive and functioning. Shared costs is understandable, and actually can be beneficial. But when an entire nation is big and fat, us skinny guys are paying way more than we should!

The first change that the Overlord Health Plan will include is that your rates will be partially based on how much fat you are carrying around. The more you have, the more you pay. The less you have, the less you pay. It is only fair that you pay your fair share. Maybe then some of you fat people will actually stop stuffing your faces with those cream filled doughnuts, get off your lazy butt and exercise!

The other price driving factor is the malpractice insurance that doctors are forced to pay. Frivolous lawsuits are costing us billions! As malpractice costs go up, so do the doctor’s standard rates. Malpractice insurance is important but the monetary compensation needs to be brought back down to reality. As well as making the doctors responsible for their mistakes. They should be required to go back to school, or temporary license revocation. They should learn from their mistakes not move on to do it again.

Finally, health care should cover our health. It should not cover frivolous things such as breast enlargements, gender switching and a whole list of other personal greed like and controversial topics. Health care should either be to keep me healthy or to get me healthy again. Keep productivity up from everyone’s benefit. Child production, weight loss, longevity, all covered. Planned parenthood covered. Abortion, unless medically unsafe for the mother, not covered. Dumbest idea I have ever heard of, reducing future workforce because it would be inconvenient for a few people. What do you think parenthood is? A walk in the park?

Health care reform is important, but let us make sure we are aiming for the right target. Fix the problem not bandage it.

June 24, 2009

Proper Humiliation

Filed under: world domination — Elvenbane @ 12:12 pm

It is vitally important, when it become time to humiliate someone, to do it properly. You need to crush their soul. Obliterate all semblances of hope. Remove any chance, no matter how slim, that they will recover.

When it comes time to issue the killing blow or statement, it is best done in such a way that everything that they thought was their best chance for recognition or salvation, is dragged through the proverbial mud. This will signify to the worthless peon that no matter how hard they work, how valuable they thought they were, despite their best efforts, they are still worthless. Their net contribution value is negative.

After doing this, your would-be opponent has nothing to stand on. They will have nothing to attack you with for you will have removed everything. If done properly, they will never recover and will never be able to challenge you again. I

f you are going to all the effort required to humiliate someone, go all the way. It only requires a little extra effort on your part, and oh so worth it when you see that special look on their face when they realize that there is no washing that mud off their face!

June 15, 2009

The Academy is Blocked

Filed under: announcement — Elvenbane @ 8:39 pm

Not raman amplifiersure why this is happening, I cannot seem to get a response from WebSense, but they have deemed this site as “Malicious.” Not sure what that means other than if your company uses WebSense to filter what can be accessed via the internet, then you will not be able to see this notification. I am guessing that this should be seen as a badge of honor, that we are being unfairly targetted. There are many students who are now no longer able to attend class.

Update: WebSense tells me there is malicious code. Has yet to give me a copy of the malicious code found. They are very slow in responding. The Academy may have to take on a change of format temporarily.

Update: Crisis is over. The Academy is no longer blocked.

March 30, 2009

Future Minister Tryouts

Filed under: government — Elvenbane @ 10:33 pm

I took a potential minister out to the desert this weekend. I already knew I could trust him implicitly for anything, but I did not know how well he could defend me or himself. The trip was an eye opening experience.

It was an absolute gas shooting the weapons, feeling the testosterone coursing through our veins… But I was sorely disappointed in his shooting skills. I am not saying that he could not practice and become the greatest marksman the world has ever seen. In all actuality, I would not put it past him. What I am saying, is that until he does go through all that practice, I will do the defending. Twenty-Five rounds and only one of them hit the clay pigeon. In his defense, he was using his brothers shot-gun. He probably had not developed the feel for it yet.

You know, I do not think he would make a good Minister of Defense. He would make a great candidate for Minister of Education though. Now that is a thought. And he does show the proper desire of wanting to use a firearm. And he can, after all, survive the fall of a crashing helicopter. Definitely someone to keep around.

You have the job… Question is, which job do I give you? I will have my people call your people.

January 16, 2009

Dr. Horrible

Filed under: announcement,world domination — Elvenbane @ 9:26 pm

I stumbled across a bit of fun. If you know who Joss Whedon is, then you probably know already if you like or hate his stuff. If you tend to like his stuff, please follow the blogroll link “Joss Whedon Fun” found near the bottom of this page.


January 9, 2009

Back Off Jerk!

Filed under: government,law,world domination — Elvenbane @ 9:04 am

The weather here at the Overlord Academy has been atrocious the past little while. Because of this, the roads are absolutely horrid. On my drive in to the real world this morning, I watched (watched not view afterwards) six vehicles slide off the road. The roads were really awful. My own vehicle would slide to the left and to the right as I hit large patches of uneven road. Because of my superior driving abilities I was never in any danger. Except…

…There was this one ignoramus who insisted on driving five feet behind me. I left plenty of room between me and the guy in front of me, which was fortunate because he slid off the road several times which showed me where the really icy bits were. The dork behind me almost slid into me several times. To be honest, I do not know why he did not.

After World Domination is achieved, I am going to create a new task force. This task force, comprised of volunteers and a few government paid administrators, will have the ability to shoot and destroy those idiots who tailgate in dangerous conditions. Similar to what today was. Capture and torture will not be discouraged.

December 2, 2008

Communication Model

Filed under: government,office,world domination — Elvenbane @ 8:35 pm

As I have worked tirelessly to flesh out plans for World Domination, I have been forced to work and participate in what others have termed the real world. I hate the real world, it really is not much fun. I must admit, though, that many of the ideas that you read here have a basis in what happens there. Today’s lesson is no different.

Every position in the corporate world is given a particular segment of work to accomplish. As work is being accomplished and pushed out of the queue, new work is being pushed in. Your finished work is becoming new work for someone else, and so on. As this process continues, it becomes obvious rather quickly, that there needs to be some sort of organization as well as a great deal of communication.

Usually, organization will work itself out, sometimes requiring a push here and there, but communication never seems to be handled properly. There are many different forms of communication, in person, email, IM, forms, software and even the ever so helpful documentation. Every one of these forms has inherent flaws. Either you cannot be spread out, or not enough detail, or too tedious. The list can really go on and on.

As the Evil Overlord you need to always know what is going on with your organization. You do not always need to know the nitty-gritty details, although sometimes you might. Meaning, of course, that you need information reported to you in a dynamic fashion. How do we do this?

First and foremost, you need to establish a procedure. Each level in the organization needs to report specific information in specific directions. Sometimes this information is identical, sometimes it is tailored, but it should all be entered into the same ultimate system to allow for your audit drill downs, and quick summaries. Multiple systems become unwanted baggage, and will quickly become ignored by your subordinates.

For team communications, in person, email, IM, and simple documentation all can work. Simply make sure this information is captured and entered (email and IM can be connected to a system and automated.) Moving from one team to another may require documentation but should happen in the same system. As each task, project and bug is finished, the single application is noted. Making it simple for anyone at anytime to quickly see what is being worked on, how much has been completed, where hang-ups are occurring, who to get rid of, who to keep, and most importantly for you the Evil Overlord, who are your potential back-stabbers.

Communication is critical. Your success or failure is tightly coupled with this simple, yet crucial, concept.

November 7, 2008

Overlord Convention

Filed under: computers,office,world domination — Elvenbane @ 8:56 am

Conventions are great. You gather thousands of people who are normally competing for the same business opportunity, give a few speeches, provide some training, throw in a bit of a store, and soon they will all be working for you. A few of them may become offended and join the other guy, but still, conventions are great!
Currently, the company I am working for, as my day job, is holding a convention for all of our associates. Every year they try to outdo the previous year. Because of the economic times, and the desire to be profitable, the allowed budget was cut a bit. So obviously, some things had to be cut. Unfortunately, one of the things cut seems to be good sense.

When we hold the Overlord Convention, there are a few things which I promise will be followed. Some of this list includes the following:

1 Do not inform IT of your plans for network, computers, security, etc. an hour before it needs to be setup.
2 Name badges are great, it allows interaction to be personalized. Make sure it is easy to identify staff from the masses at a simple glance. Helps security out a lot!
3 Have the store layout and all displays pre-planned out. This greatly facilitates setting up the store, and also keeps murderous thoughts out of the employees’ minds.
4 Properly identify and lock down the employee break area. Non employees are not welcome and hurt the morale of those you depend upon.
5 Make sure all staff members know the company planned events, as well as other events which may be happening in the area. We want our staff to appear intelligent, not like a gathering of country bumpkins.
6 Make sure all areas are properly identified. If you want attendees to visit an area, it helps to be able to find said area.
7 Provide adequate training for staff members. If they are expected to demonstrate something they should know how to use it. Hands on experience is probably a good thing.
8 The biggest mistake I have seen is one person being in charge of too many things and not sharing that information with those who could help. If people are aware of something needing to be setup beforehand, then all components, tools, and man power can be pre-arranged.
9 Small things will always creep up that need to be addressed. This is to be expected. Do not shun help. You will accomplish more if you would spend a few minutes to explain the issue then if you were to just do it yourself, ignoring other problems which may be occurring.

All this being said, let me just point out one small fact. Although conventions are great and important, I sure do hate working at them.

August 19, 2008

Assassination Attempt

Filed under: world domination — Elvenbane @ 7:45 am

I am not completely certain on this, but I think that someone has attempted my assassination. What is even worse, they seem to have enlisted the unwitting assistance of one of the Evil Offspring.

Over the weekend, one of my spawn became very ill. Throwing up, and everything else you would associate with a bad flu. Who do you think contracted the illness next? That’s right, me! I spent all day yesterday either in bed or in the bathroom. By the end of the day, I wished I was dead! To make matters worse, in the middle of the night, I developed a head splitting migraine! Centered in my left eye, it did not just hurt bad, it ruined my balance, screwed up my vision, and nauseated me doubly so than the illness.

Now that I seem to be recovering, I am torn. On one hand, I would not wish this upon my worst enemy. On the other hand, BWAHAHAHA!

When I find out who started this, executions shall ensue!

August 14, 2008


Filed under: government,office — Elvenbane @ 12:04 pm

As you gain power and notoriety, you will begin to notice that you have more friends and family than you had previously known. Some may be legitimate, but for the most part, these are charlatans. These charlatans are looking for a free ride, and willing to get it any way they can, even if it means supporting a corrupt maniacal dictator like yourself. Since there is no greater enemy than family spurned, you will be forced to accept some of these freeloaders into official positions in your empire.

While these freeloaders are looking for an easy way through life, you are looking for someone who can get the job done. Using the manipulation pattern, and some carefully crafted questionnaire forms, you can easily determine the talents of your supposed friends and family. Trick them into accepting positions that they just cannot stand to see not done. Trick them into doing actual work. This way, they will think they are protected from your murderous rage, and you get something done for relatively cheap. They do not need to know what the going salary is for a particular job.

Something that the freeloaders will not understand, and which you can use to your advantage, is that you have no qualms whatsoever in sending close family members to the rack, or imprisoning them, or any other countless evil things to do. You are after all the Evil Overlord. If one of them starts to get a big head, deflate it. Easy.

That being said, I am always looking for a new court jester.

August 11, 2008

Two-Fold Torture

Filed under: government,world domination — Elvenbane @ 9:00 am

I have discovered a great new form of torture. Blood Donating. It is painful and can have interesting side effects. Collecting the blood is good for the empire, extra blood to give to your soldiers when they need it, or for general health maintenance. This is one of those great for the empire and great punishment things. A win win situation. It is definitely not something I ever wish to experience… Again.

Let me just say that I had an interesting experience on Friday. To read about it please go here.

August 7, 2008


Filed under: law — Elvenbane @ 8:05 pm

This past week, the Overlord family packed up and went camping in a remote wilderness. It was a chance to unwind, and ignore briefly the stress of ruling the world. Nevermind working on the curriculum for the school. There were also some extended family members in attendence. I keep them around for inspiration. Inspiration for many things. This post is one of them.

One family member had her kids there. Normally this would not have been a problem, we were in the wilderness, large areas for them to get lost in. These two kids were completely unruly! They have no discipline in their life! They bite, kick, scream, anything to get their way. They ride ripshod over their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, everyone! I enjoy anarchy as much as any other evil maniac, but I will not be disrespected!

Contrast those two little peons, to my children. They are not perfect, but in comparison they are. The Overlord children respect me! They have been taught and disciplined. They know not to play with fire. They know not to hit their ruling father. They know death comes swiftly for even looking at Mrs. Overlord in a threatening manner. My children know how to behave, how to avoid the attentions of any and all adults.

During this week, not once did I need to bend one of them over my knee. The two brats however… Oh yes, they were scolded, not just by me, but by several others not in their immediate family. There were even a few who bent them over their knee. Their parents did not. The interesting thing to note, as soon as an adult established boundries with these brats, they were respected by them. They would obey them, or, in the very least, avoid them completely. Not a bad side-effect, I enjoyed the peaceful quiet.

I have been reminded though, that laws need to be established to ensure that the children in the empire are being properly disciplined. Unruly children will be beaten. Not harshly, but enough for them to know that they screwed up! Punishments will be swift so that the child knows how they screwed up. Parents and/or gaurdians who neglect this responsibility will be beaten. There is no excuse for unruly children!

July 28, 2008

Personal Nemesis

Filed under: world domination — Elvenbane @ 8:27 pm

Every great Overlord has had his opposite. That one person who embodies all the good to counteract all the evil contained in one man. If any one person can end your reign of terror, it is this nemesis. It is obvious then, how important it is to mark out at an early time, just who your personal nemesis is. Once identified, you do not want to kill them. Nature will simply raise up another to take his place. Unfortunately it is the natural order of things. However, if you can subvert this person ever so slightly? I am not saying expect miracles, but the impossible begins to be possible. Besides, if nothing else, you know who you need to spy on, and who to keep under a constant surveillance.

I know who my nemesis is, and let me just say, I have corrupted them enough that I am already getting away with a lot! Pretty soon and I will have my nemesis actually helping me out.

Never underestimate them though! Always be on the guard. They can always revert back to all that goodness. Do not let them stab you in the back. Survival is always first and foremost! Keep a wary eye!

June 3, 2008

The World of Miniatures

Filed under: announcement — Elvenbane @ 6:18 pm

I am one of the first to admit that I am a geek. That being said, let me also state that I have never played Dungeons and Dragons or any other role playing adventure. MMORPGs do not count. I am not saying I have not been intrigued by this particular type of gaming, just that the opportunity has never presented itself.

During the natural course of my alter ego’s professional life, several coworkers decided to learn how to paint miniatures. Naturally I wanted to learn as well. Eventually these classes sputtered and died, but I persevered. Here then, is my first attempt to paint a miniature

Temporary Mascotкомпютри

May 12, 2008


Filed under: announcement,law,seat of power,war,world domination — Elvenbane @ 9:15 am

I am officially declaring war upon pigeons.

During this past winter, a mob of these trash birds took up residence on the roof of the Academy. I was completely unwilling to climb up there in the snow and ice to take care of the problem, and the janitor staff managed to get roof work in their contract. I had no choice but to address it myself. (I may be plotting world domination, but I am not there yet. I must still follow the law.) Fortunately a couple of hawks took up residence nearby and scared the pigeons away. I was, however, left with an awful, smelly mess.

Over the weekend I found some time to finally get up there and fully assess the situation. I was dumbfounded at how bad things really were! The rain gutters were completely full of bird poop! Several sections of the roof were completely covered as well. I quickly gathered a few tools, garbage bags and my trusty leather gloves. I then ascended back up to the roof and began clearing the mess. Three garbage bags and thirty minutes of high water pressure later, the roof is once again, clean. There were even dead birds buried in all that poop! It was one giant disgusting mess! New torture method, burial up to the head in bird crap.

If the birds ever show up again, there will be no mercy. Out will come the spike strips. Out will come the traps. And out will come the bags of poisoned bird food. This past winter did not have mercy, only laziness. But that to will be gone if those filthy things return! I had a strong dislike for them before, but now it is pure hatred!

April 28, 2008

Global Warming

Filed under: oil — Elvenbane @ 12:31 pm

It seems like everyone is harping about this thing called global warming. They go on and on about this being the end of the world as we know it. Animals are going extinct, plants are not growing and the air is unfit to breath.

With all this global “warming” going on, I pose one simple question: Why is it snowing in April and May?

I’m not kidding. I go and buy a new motorcycle to enjoy the warming climate and then it snows the very next day. We are expected to have snow twice this week as well. I have seen no sign of global warming! I have, however, seen plenty of evidence pointing to the fact that the Earth is experiencing menopause. Hot one day, bitter cold the next. Obviously the world upon which we live has hit her mid-life, and is now suffering what all women suffer, screwed up inner workings.

What can we do? How can we repair this travesty? We do the same thing that men have done for countless centuries. Go camping with our buddies, ignore the old hag and generally have a mid-life crisis. In other words, do nothing but ignore the problem and hope she goes away.

April 23, 2008

The New Bike

Filed under: announcement — Elvenbane @ 7:02 pm

Everyone needs one of these!

The new bike

April 11, 2008

Do Not Care Packages

Filed under: government,law,office,world domination — Elvenbane @ 1:07 pm

I am fairly certain that most of society knows what a care package is. Especially in the sense of a VIP gift bag. The Evil Overlord needs to implement a Do Not Care Package system. I am sure once implemented it will quickly become more popular than the care package ever was. Instead of only using for special events, the Do Not Care Package can be used at any time one wished to convey their disappointment, disgust or even just their innate vileness.

The true beauty of this new system of showing your true feelings is that you can time these gifts to arrive at the perfect time to cause the recipient further embarrassment or other uncomfortable situations. For example, at a couple’s 50 year anniversary, you could send the wife compromising photographs of her husband. You of course want him to have a better understanding of where he ranks with you. (For you slower learners, you have a problem with the husband not the wife.)

The really neat thing with this new system is that it truly can be used whenever. You do not need a special reason. You could send the Do Not Care Packages to your heart content, or save them all for that one special moment to capitalize on their pain and anguish.

Perfect for the Evil Overlord!

April 8, 2008

Theme Song

Filed under: announcement,seat of power,world domination — Elvenbane @ 8:22 am

All of the truly sinister evil doers have their own theme song. Darth Vader has a very recognizable theme song. You hear that music and you KNOW something bad is going to happen. I want a theme song!

The Evil Overlord needs a theme song. Sinister sounds emanating from his person, or blaring from loud speakers as he enters the throne room. What better signal to give to the masses that their very lives hang in the balance than a perfectly crafted piece of music, a true work of art.

The operative word here is music. This by definition excludes country and rap. You may choose to go with standard billboard music, or even alternative, but for a truly great sinister theme, you have to utilize a full orchestra. The high piercings of the strings, the throaty sounds of the woods and the sharpness of the brass all combine to create a truly deep fear of the man approaching.

I think that this needs to be a special contest. Whoever can create a theme song that I find suitable, will forever be execution impermissible. All entrants will have a death reprieve through the end of the contest. Truly disgusting pieces of work will require execution at the end of the contest.

All you would be musicians, get to work!


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