Overlord Academy

I am officially declaring war upon pigeons.

During this past winter, a mob of these trash birds took up residence on the roof of the Academy. I was completely unwilling to climb up there in the snow and ice to take care of the problem, and the janitor staff managed to get roof work in their contract. I had no choice but to address it myself. (I may be plotting world domination, but I am not there yet. I must still follow the law.) Fortunately a couple of hawks took up residence nearby and scared the pigeons away. I was, however, left with an awful, smelly mess.

Over the weekend I found some time to finally get up there and fully assess the situation. I was dumbfounded at how bad things really were! The rain gutters were completely full of bird poop! Several sections of the roof were completely covered as well. I quickly gathered a few tools, garbage bags and my trusty leather gloves. I then ascended back up to the roof and began clearing the mess. Three garbage bags and thirty minutes of high water pressure later, the roof is once again, clean. There were even dead birds buried in all that poop! It was one giant disgusting mess! New torture method, burial up to the head in bird crap.

If the birds ever show up again, there will be no mercy. Out will come the spike strips. Out will come the traps. And out will come the bags of poisoned bird food. This past winter did not have mercy, only laziness. But that to will be gone if those filthy things return! I had a strong dislike for them before, but now it is pure hatred!

If you ask any stranger, and especially any beauty pageant contestant, what the single greatest thing they want to see, the answer invariably is world peace. They give this answer, not because they desire world peace, but because it is supposed that that is what others desire and want to hear. When we get right down to it, mankind individually desires power, wealth, and total dominion of the surrounding world. Peace is not the desire, but more often than not a byproduct of absolute rule.

As the world currently stands, we have multiple countries, competing against multiple religions, all wanting their force their ideals on those around them. The only reason they want to force their ideals on others is because at some point, something important to their beliefs occurred in someone else’s land. Contention ensues, and war begins. People say they want world peace, but it will never happen as long as everyone believes differently.

That is where we step in. As we take over the world, continuity begins. The same military and police forces enforce the rules of the empire. Everyone becomes equal, except for the french who will be crushed into oblivion. Everyone hates france so what does it matter? Childish quarrels over holy lands will cease the moment of detonation. If the land is no longer valuable, the fighting will end. If the fighting continues, both fighting forces will be captured and publicly executed. The message will quickly spread that fighting will not be tolerated, and peace ensues. It has been stated by others, but it applies to this situation, Peace through Domination.

If anyone ever states they want world peace, enlist them into your plans. If they truly desire world peace, they will sign on. If they do not truly desire peace, they will make up some excuse and give you plenty of room. Helping you out either way.

If your scientists are ever lucky enough to stumble upon alien technology, exploit the new technology as much as you can. Reverse engineer everything possible. Use this new knowledge all throughout your empire. This will serve two purposes. The first, and most obvious, is that you will be so much farther ahead than your enemies. They will still be operating in today’s technology, while you will have the power of the future. The second, and probably the most crucial, when the aliens who mistakenly introduced their technology to you returns, you will be prepared for them.

Since you have already learned everything possible from their technology, they will not have anything to offer in exchange for help or what have you. You will probably also have discovered their armament and have that spread across your empire, making it so much easier to take down and destroy the aliens. After all, the odds are that they are here on Earth for a more sinister plan than just passing by, or to collect their fallen comrades. They are more than likely scoping the place out, figuring out how best to destroy us all. If you can fight back with their own technology, they aren’t going to want to start anything, and may just leave everything alone.

If these aliens turn out to be giant autonomous robots, technology alone is not going to save us. They are going to be big piles of moving, heavy, metals. They can and will crush you like a bug. At this point, your only hope is that an opposing alien robot force comes to fight along side your armies. At the end of the battles, odds are they are going to want something as well. So just make sure you have something in reserve to take them out as well.