Overlord Academy

December. In the northern hemisphere it is cold, overcast, with various shades of brown thrown into the mix; and oddly, for a vast majority of the residents, a happy time of year. Most in this group celebrate a religious holiday. They call it something different, Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever, but by and large it is a religious holiday.

There are movies made centered around what is the true meaning of the holiday. There are all sorts of commercial traditions designed merely to line the shop owners’ pockets. Atheists complain about the reason for the season, but secretly just wish someone would give them a present.

There are those who want to get rid of the holiday, millions of kids who want the holiday to stay, and you, as the budding evil overlord, should want the holiday to stay.

“That is absurd!” I can hear some of you saying. Well it isn’t. So shut up! You want the religious types to be mollified during the holiday, and if you give the atheists a present, everyone will be happy for a brief month during which you can plan more ways to oppress them more.

So while you are out on the streets, and passersby wish you a Merry Christmas, or Happy Hanukkah, or whatever it is they wish you, smile, wish them the same thing, and quietly go on your way in the sure knowledge that the people are already mostly under your rule.

Just be careful around those elves that the jolly fat man employs!

As stated in previous posts, no matter how strongly you may wish, you will never have special powers. X-Men mutants can never happen, and the power of the force is not real. You cannot crush throats like Darth Vader. You cannot shoot lightning out of your hands like the emperor. And no matter how cool Yoda is, you will never be as awesome. The force, and mutant powers are all make believe. We are reiterating this fact because there are those of you who continually ask for instruction, and talk about, these powers.

If you find that in spite of reality, you do have special powers, use them. Use your powers often. Use your powers in the open. Make the peasants and other world leaders fear you! Be careful not to disfigure yourself using your powers like the Emperor. Make sure you do not drive yourself insane denying the powers that you have.

Since no one else has these powers, you are special. There is no one else to teach you. There is no one for you to rely on. The world governments will try to control you, and people will fear you. It is going to happen. So learn to use your powers fast. Do not shun them. That way, when the governments do come around, you can control them instead, and use them in your plans for World Domination. The hated land of france will be a good testing ground. The people are pansies, and will in no way try to stop you. They will just look the other way and talk about the latest vintage. You can also use elves as targets.

One of the biggest pitfalls of having powers, will be the tendency to rely on them completely. This is bad. Powers can be blocked or countered leaving yourself defenseless. Do not shun other weapons. Know how to use high and low tech weapons, and always keep some on your person. Hidden. Secret, and unknown from even your closest advisors.

Every Overlord needs a Seat of Power. It is from within the safety of this fortress that he is able to rule the world with an iron fist. It takes many years to actually finish construction of this building, and a lot of memory manipulation so that others do not know all the secret passages. We will leave all of that to a later lesson. Today we will cover the basics only.

The Seat of Power needs to be constructed in such a way as to instill awe at first site. The workmanship needs to be top rate. Splendor needs to adorn. Absolute power needs to be reflected at all times. Meaning, the building itself needs to convey the message that to attack this building, death will ensue. This building needs to be very well fortified. Every type of attack needs to be planned for. Against missiles, airplanes, and even cannons, there is very little to defend against. Do your best, and plan for the worst. Keep the attacking people away from the building. Put traps and machinery in place to take out the cannons, missiles, and even kamakaze airplanes. Keep them out. Make use of natural defenses whenever possible. Build on cliffs, surrounded by dangerous waters, or something similar.

If by chance the attackers make their way inside. The object has changed. Instead of keeping them out, you now want to keep them in. Wherever the attackers are, you need to be able to fire upon them, without being shot back. The hearts of the people can only last so long while their comrades are falling in droves, all around them.

Other than battle, your Seat of Power serves another purpose. At times, you will need to conduct business. To all invited guests, while they are within this structure, need to be constantly overwhelmed. They need a sensory overload of the majesty and raw power that you possess. Make them feel how insignificant they really are.

Inside the Seat of Power, is your Inner Sanctum. We will not discuss this now, but remember, this is your permanent living quarters. Since you are living in the Seat of Power, you will need escape routes, and backup supplies in case your plans fail, and the people come looking for you. Like the Boy Scouts, always be prepared. Plan for the absolute worst outcome. Plan even for your death. You have all that wealth and power. Let someone else take that with little or no effort? Of course not. Destroy everything upon your death. If they covet your position so greatly, make them work for it.

As you have no doubt surmised, this structure is of great importance. Start planning now. It will take you many years to conquer the world. Once you do, you can not delay. Work must commence immediately upon the greatest fortress the world will ever know.

Do not use elves in the construction in any way. They never forget, and will secretly build their own back doors and tunnels. Nasty, vile creatures!

As the days slowly drag past, it is becoming more and more apparent that we need to destroy france. Ever since the days of Madame Guillotine, the french population has steadily become more like a drooling imbecile and less like a proud race. True, it was a french man who built and gave the United States the Statue of Liberty (which apparently no longer stands for what it once did in regards to immigration.) True they saved our bacon many years ago. And yes they have given us french kissing. But what have they done lately? All they ever do is whine and complain. Recently the country took a black eye from the immigrant citizens rioting because of working conditions. The ruling government tries to please everyone, and only ends up offending everyone.

Talking about offending, has anyone smelled a frenchman lately? Do those people not know what a shower is? Or even deodorant? I had to sit next to a french girl several years back on a very long plane ride. Oh yes, she had two very nice… well, other than that, it was not a pleasant trip. She smelled so bad, even the tiny restroom smelled better after the token fat lady finished a marathon twenty minutes.

If I were to ask for the first thing you thought of when I said france, you would probably blurt out the Eiffel Tower. That is right, the largest landmark they have, and it was originally intended to be torn down. Pathetic.

All the elves that no one ever see, have begun migrating to france. Since french people are such pathetic worthless specs, the elven nation have found it a safe haven where they can begin anew their quest to dominate man. This is by far the greatest reason to destroy any nation, to rid the world of the elven blight.

Nuke france, and destroy the vermin elves!