Overlord Academy

December. In the northern hemisphere it is cold, overcast, with various shades of brown thrown into the mix; and oddly, for a vast majority of the residents, a happy time of year. Most in this group celebrate a religious holiday. They call it something different, Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever, but by and large it is a religious holiday.

There are movies made centered around what is the true meaning of the holiday. There are all sorts of commercial traditions designed merely to line the shop owners’ pockets. Atheists complain about the reason for the season, but secretly just wish someone would give them a present.

There are those who want to get rid of the holiday, millions of kids who want the holiday to stay, and you, as the budding evil overlord, should want the holiday to stay.

“That is absurd!” I can hear some of you saying. Well it isn’t. So shut up! You want the religious types to be mollified during the holiday, and if you give the atheists a present, everyone will be happy for a brief month during which you can plan more ways to oppress them more.

So while you are out on the streets, and passersby wish you a Merry Christmas, or Happy Hanukkah, or whatever it is they wish you, smile, wish them the same thing, and quietly go on your way in the sure knowledge that the people are already mostly under your rule.

Just be careful around those elves that the jolly fat man employs!

With the most recent United States of America elections outcome, I have been thinking about socialism. During my youthful training, I spent a few years in Russia. This was shortly after the communistic regime had collapsed. The socialistic programs and their outcome were still evident. The people spent all those years living in squalor, equally. The leaders, not so much squalor, but they still had to deal with shoddy workmanship.

As you go out and establish your own empires, remember the lessons learned from Russia, China, North Korea, Cuba, and many others. If you want to destroy the country, implement Socialism. If you want your empire to ultimately fail, socialism is the way to go! Sure you might be a clenched fist tyrant, but if enough people rise up against you, no matter how hungry they are, you are going to fall.

For a truly successful empire to last, your subjects need to be free; or at least the illusion that they are free. Free to choose not to buy their own health insurance. Free to choose which doctor they visit and what care they will pay for. Free to choose what kind of life they want to live, and free to earn the money to afford their chosen lifestyle. If they are unable to earn the necessary funds, they obviously will not be living that lifestyle! The government is not going to pay for them, nor will the rest of the nation.

Granted, there will need to be regulations to prevent price gouging and stiff penalties for those who adversely affect others. Causing a car accident and not having insurance for example. Basically, let the people govern themselves. This means less work for you as the ruler, and oddly enough, will win the adoration of your subjects. You can still do all those heinous things you desire, but your subjects will willingly turn a blind eye to them!

In summary then, if you want to destroy your empire implement socialism.

I will not.

It is currently being debated in the dark depths of the U.S. government about how we will reform the Health Care System. Personally, I feel that the Obamanites are doing us all a huge disservice. Socialized medicine does not work! I have seen the health care system in Russia and I fear for what will happen here. Over there you went to the hospital to die, not get better. Everyone knows that the Canadian system is a joke. Why is it that we want to follow in their footsteps? Should we not be leading the way instead of following?

Yes, Health Care Reform is important. Yes, everyone should have easy access to Health Care. Healthy individuals are more productive than unhealthy ones. How can our empire thrive on sickness? It is important however, to first analyze and determine what exactly is wrong with the current health care system. It is obviously the cost. Why is it so expensive? Several reasons, but most stem back to personal greed.

The average American is now considered to be obese. In other words, the average American has accumulated enough fat as to be detrimental to their personal health. Obesity has been directly linked to all sorts of diseases and medical problems. Taking care of these problems is very costly. Since health insurance is a shared plan between a large group of people, everyone’s rates go up in an effort for the insurance companies to make money. I have to pay more money to keep the fat slob, three cubicles over, alive and functioning. Shared costs is understandable, and actually can be beneficial. But when an entire nation is big and fat, us skinny guys are paying way more than we should!

The first change that the Overlord Health Plan will include is that your rates will be partially based on how much fat you are carrying around. The more you have, the more you pay. The less you have, the less you pay. It is only fair that you pay your fair share. Maybe then some of you fat people will actually stop stuffing your faces with those cream filled doughnuts, get off your lazy butt and exercise!

The other price driving factor is the malpractice insurance that doctors are forced to pay. Frivolous lawsuits are costing us billions! As malpractice costs go up, so do the doctor’s standard rates. Malpractice insurance is important but the monetary compensation needs to be brought back down to reality. As well as making the doctors responsible for their mistakes. They should be required to go back to school, or temporary license revocation. They should learn from their mistakes not move on to do it again.

Finally, health care should cover our health. It should not cover frivolous things such as breast enlargements, gender switching and a whole list of other personal greed like and controversial topics. Health care should either be to keep me healthy or to get me healthy again. Keep productivity up from everyone’s benefit. Child production, weight loss, longevity, all covered. Planned parenthood covered. Abortion, unless medically unsafe for the mother, not covered. Dumbest idea I have ever heard of, reducing future workforce because it would be inconvenient for a few people. What do you think parenthood is? A walk in the park?

Health care reform is important, but let us make sure we are aiming for the right target. Fix the problem not bandage it.

I took a potential minister out to the desert this weekend. I already knew I could trust him implicitly for anything, but I did not know how well he could defend me or himself. The trip was an eye opening experience.

It was an absolute gas shooting the weapons, feeling the testosterone coursing through our veins… But I was sorely disappointed in his shooting skills. I am not saying that he could not practice and become the greatest marksman the world has ever seen. In all actuality, I would not put it past him. What I am saying, is that until he does go through all that practice, I will do the defending. Twenty-Five rounds and only one of them hit the clay pigeon. In his defense, he was using his brothers shot-gun. He probably had not developed the feel for it yet.

You know, I do not think he would make a good Minister of Defense. He would make a great candidate for Minister of Education though. Now that is a thought. And he does show the proper desire of wanting to use a firearm. And he can, after all, survive the fall of a crashing helicopter. Definitely someone to keep around.

You have the job… Question is, which job do I give you? I will have my people call your people.

The weather here at the Overlord Academy has been atrocious the past little while. Because of this, the roads are absolutely horrid. On my drive in to the real world this morning, I watched (watched not view afterwards) six vehicles slide off the road. The roads were really awful. My own vehicle would slide to the left and to the right as I hit large patches of uneven road. Because of my superior driving abilities I was never in any danger. Except…

…There was this one ignoramus who insisted on driving five feet behind me. I left plenty of room between me and the guy in front of me, which was fortunate because he slid off the road several times which showed me where the really icy bits were. The dork behind me almost slid into me several times. To be honest, I do not know why he did not.

After World Domination is achieved, I am going to create a new task force. This task force, comprised of volunteers and a few government paid administrators, will have the ability to shoot and destroy those idiots who tailgate in dangerous conditions. Similar to what today was. Capture and torture will not be discouraged.

As I have worked tirelessly to flesh out plans for World Domination, I have been forced to work and participate in what others have termed the real world. I hate the real world, it really is not much fun. I must admit, though, that many of the ideas that you read here have a basis in what happens there. Today’s lesson is no different.

Every position in the corporate world is given a particular segment of work to accomplish. As work is being accomplished and pushed out of the queue, new work is being pushed in. Your finished work is becoming new work for someone else, and so on. As this process continues, it becomes obvious rather quickly, that there needs to be some sort of organization as well as a great deal of communication.

Usually, organization will work itself out, sometimes requiring a push here and there, but communication never seems to be handled properly. There are many different forms of communication, in person, email, IM, forms, software and even the ever so helpful documentation. Every one of these forms has inherent flaws. Either you cannot be spread out, or not enough detail, or too tedious. The list can really go on and on.

As the Evil Overlord you need to always know what is going on with your organization. You do not always need to know the nitty-gritty details, although sometimes you might. Meaning, of course, that you need information reported to you in a dynamic fashion. How do we do this?

First and foremost, you need to establish a procedure. Each level in the organization needs to report specific information in specific directions. Sometimes this information is identical, sometimes it is tailored, but it should all be entered into the same ultimate system to allow for your audit drill downs, and quick summaries. Multiple systems become unwanted baggage, and will quickly become ignored by your subordinates.

For team communications, in person, email, IM, and simple documentation all can work. Simply make sure this information is captured and entered (email and IM can be connected to a system and automated.) Moving from one team to another may require documentation but should happen in the same system. As each task, project and bug is finished, the single application is noted. Making it simple for anyone at anytime to quickly see what is being worked on, how much has been completed, where hang-ups are occurring, who to get rid of, who to keep, and most importantly for you the Evil Overlord, who are your potential back-stabbers.

Communication is critical. Your success or failure is tightly coupled with this simple, yet crucial, concept.

As you gain power and notoriety, you will begin to notice that you have more friends and family than you had previously known. Some may be legitimate, but for the most part, these are charlatans. These charlatans are looking for a free ride, and willing to get it any way they can, even if it means supporting a corrupt maniacal dictator like yourself. Since there is no greater enemy than family spurned, you will be forced to accept some of these freeloaders into official positions in your empire.

While these freeloaders are looking for an easy way through life, you are looking for someone who can get the job done. Using the manipulation pattern, and some carefully crafted questionnaire forms, you can easily determine the talents of your supposed friends and family. Trick them into accepting positions that they just cannot stand to see not done. Trick them into doing actual work. This way, they will think they are protected from your murderous rage, and you get something done for relatively cheap. They do not need to know what the going salary is for a particular job.

Something that the freeloaders will not understand, and which you can use to your advantage, is that you have no qualms whatsoever in sending close family members to the rack, or imprisoning them, or any other countless evil things to do. You are after all the Evil Overlord. If one of them starts to get a big head, deflate it. Easy.

That being said, I am always looking for a new court jester.

I have discovered a great new form of torture. Blood Donating. It is painful and can have interesting side effects. Collecting the blood is good for the empire, extra blood to give to your soldiers when they need it, or for general health maintenance. This is one of those great for the empire and great punishment things. A win win situation. It is definitely not something I ever wish to experience… Again.

Let me just say that I had an interesting experience on Friday. To read about it please go here.

I am fairly certain that most of society knows what a care package is. Especially in the sense of a VIP gift bag. The Evil Overlord needs to implement a Do Not Care Package system. I am sure once implemented it will quickly become more popular than the care package ever was. Instead of only using for special events, the Do Not Care Package can be used at any time one wished to convey their disappointment, disgust or even just their innate vileness.

The true beauty of this new system of showing your true feelings is that you can time these gifts to arrive at the perfect time to cause the recipient further embarrassment or other uncomfortable situations. For example, at a couple’s 50 year anniversary, you could send the wife compromising photographs of her husband. You of course want him to have a better understanding of where he ranks with you. (For you slower learners, you have a problem with the husband not the wife.)

The really neat thing with this new system is that it truly can be used whenever. You do not need a special reason. You could send the Do Not Care Packages to your heart content, or save them all for that one special moment to capitalize on their pain and anguish.

Perfect for the Evil Overlord!

Every regime has a desperate need to communicate quickly and precisely, having no fear of the opposing forces understanding what is being said. Ever. Before communism, during the height of the czars reign, the royal court spoke french. I am certain this is what led to their downfall, but they were on the right track. Royalty could easily communicate, and the peasants and servants would have no clue as to what was being spoken. State secrets were indeed kept secret from the populace, as long as no one spoke french.

As Evil Overlord, you need to follow the old Russian examples. You need a secret language that only a few trusted advisors can speak and understand. It needs to be versatile yet precise. It needs to be quick yet all encompassing. These seem as opposites, but they are doable. English started out that way, until all the rules and exceptions cluttered it all up. You need to employ a brilliant linguist.

The linguist that you hire will be given the task of devising an entirely new language. You may or may not choose to utilize a new alphabet. I encourage you to do so since it adds a secondary level of secrecy. Have him focus first on battle and business language. You can begin to use the new language right away. Internal memos, and over the air communication will be safe and secure.

However it is important that you hire a competent linguist. If you fail to do so, the new language will be broken quickly by the opposing governments and therefore compromising your safety. You will of course be forced to execute the previous linguist and hire a new one. The obvious problem with this course of action is the need to learn a new language all over again. The Evil Overlord has precious little free time as it is.

A true babel fish will destroy any hope of pulling this off.

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We all know what conspiracy theories are, they are the seemingly inconceivable ideas that the government is doing something illegal, and some nut job is the only one who knows the truth and is trying to get the world to believe him. Conspiracy theories. Yes, some people do believe these theories. Some of these people even have the authority to do something about it. But they never do because they are afraid of what will happen to them. 

As the Evil Overlord, you can use the power of these theories to keep your underlings in line. If word were to get out on the street that you are doing secret medical experiments on the citizens, say putting fluoride in the water, that information would have to come from someone. None of your underlings will want to admit they said something, so odds are, none of them will leak anything out. You leak information out yourself. Keep the nut jobs happy, and keep an eye on your underlings. If any of them start acting suspicious, blame them for leaking information, and then have them executed.  On the other hand, you can pay close attention to what these theories are. Because if you did not leak the information, someone else did. You have a mole in your ranks, and moles need to be exterminated. Conspiracy Theories help us no matter which way you look at them.

Halloween is hands down the best thing to come from the Pagan beliefs of old. As Halloween is done with, and as the kids all suffer from sugar overdose, let us ponder how Halloween can be used in our empire. First of all, Halloween allows even the most timid to break out of their shell and act the fool. Granted, as shells are broken dangerous ideas are born, but in the eventual sugar overdose, those ideas are soon forgotten in the sugar rush blur. We do not really care about that, we care about increasing our control over the masses. The biggest benefit comes from the costumes. Very quickly you will find those with the most imaginative minds. The most creative, the most likely to come up with fresh ideas. As Overlord you can choose, find this new talent and make use of them, or let them remain anonymous, quietly plotting your down fall.

Hold annual costume contests. Offer large prizes to entice participation. Even offer smaller prizes to all who dress up, sort of like giving them a bone. They will think you are letting them have fun, but you will be secretly taking notes. Use Halloween to your advantage. Exploit your workers. Strengthen your control over them. Bring the kids to the office, give them candy. Now the workers think their families are being taken care of. Major moral boost and in the big picture, cost you very little.

Having put much thought into how best to convert the younger generations to your way of thinking, coupled with a forced trip to a cartoon based theme park in southern California, an Overlord Theme Park would be a perfect tool. Walt realized what he had in California, but recognized flaws in the initial design. He started plans for a better design in Florida, but died before completion. This is for the best, since his heirs have screwed up so badly, that they will never be able achieve what we will hope to achieve. 

Building upon Walt’s plans, we will do things differently. For starters, we will have the luxury to build wherever we want, because as Overlord, we do not care what we destroy to build what we want. We want to build where good weather is almost guaranteed, and getting to and from does not present new problems. Southern California would be ideal, minus all the liberals and tree huggers, and the extreme overcrowding. Nevada is too hot and dry. Utah gets snow and despite being a desert, a lot of rain. But manageable in southern Utah. Arizona is hot, dry, but has potential in more mountainous areas. So there are some good locations, wide open, and close to all ready established freeways.  We follow the plans for that place in Florida, one giant basement under the entire park. Access ways throughout the park allow for character movement without being seen, as well as keeping an eye on potential troublemakers. All utilities can be piped around in this area as well making future expansion easy and more flexible. Garbage cleanup is a must and can be gathered through vacuum tubes (central vac) also in this basement area. Storage safe from the elements can also be located here. In essence, we have a very useful space, completely out of the site of the public. Use your imagination. 

Visible to the public, outside and inside the park, very careful planning and effort needs to go into landscaping, building placement, shopping, and attractions. Quick and easy access needs to be provided which still maintains absolute security (your life is worth it right?) and minimal loss to potential income. Get the people in and out fast with no hidden surprises, while collecting money. All attractions need to be fun, with minimal wait times. People hate waiting. All attractions need to be based on a character, story, or other form of entertainment, making it easier for the public to become attached. Attached people have a hard time giving something up. This translates into more money and brain washing opportunities. Although we absolutely despise tree huggers and the whole hippie movement, we do want lots of trees, and other plant life. If nothing else, it provides shade, and other cooling factors. If you had to stand in line, would you rather be standing in the middle of an asphalt square, or under a tree? 

If you feel that a city sized park is what you want, be sure to provide free transportation around the park. If the back of the park never gets visited because it is too far away, you have wasted time, money, and overcrowded other parts of the park. Making a bad experience for attendees, and a disillusionment in your abilities as Evil Overlord. 

Finally, change is good. If a ride gets old or stale, don’t hang onto it for sentimental reasons. Continually give the park a face lift. New rides and attractions equate to potentially new visitors. Large, permanent, even trendy structures may seem like good ideas, but eventually the newness wears off, and you find yourself stuck with an eyesore with very limited usefulness. Learn from Walt’s mistakes, and admire his ideas. If used properly, generations will find themselves endeared to you instead of rebelling against you.

Bureaucracy is a beautiful thing in any government. It is the greatest asset any governing body has in keeping the peasants at bay. Without all the red tape, the peasants would be constantly hounding you and your subordinates for anything and everything under the sun.

Paperwork is the backbone of a great system of red tape.  Long and cryptic forms force the weaker minded human subspecies out of scope, leaving only the truly determined, and potentially dangerous, peasants for the government to truly have to worry about. These few can then be micromanaged and bounced from department to department long enough for the real decision makers to decide how to handle the particular threat.

Although the proverbial paper trail is slowly vanishing, internet forms can be just as complicated, and even more troublesome than their paper counterpart. The forms can be hidden in such a way, that it is next to impossible to find and fill out. The only thing that you want to be easy, is payment of the fees. Anything that can pad the treasury is a good thing.

Change all forms on a random schedule, but always in the middle of a major sporting event. This will confuse the fools even further as they tend to browse the internet a lot right before a game, make a decision during the game, and then act after the game. By the time they act, the game has changed, and they are caught completely unaware.

This red tape can even be used within the government to keep the different groups from banding together and potentially staging a coup. Coups of course, tend to be bad for the health of the Evil Overlord.

An added bonus for the Evil Overlord, is that a special document can be set up that is easy to fill out, trumps all other orders and forms, and only available to the Evil Overlord that speeds up all processes, and gains him instant gratification of any want and/or desire. Thus making life hard for others, and easier for yourself.

Start now in writing up the red tape plans, they take time to create, and when finished, can be a true work of art.

If you ask any stranger, and especially any beauty pageant contestant, what the single greatest thing they want to see, the answer invariably is world peace. They give this answer, not because they desire world peace, but because it is supposed that that is what others desire and want to hear. When we get right down to it, mankind individually desires power, wealth, and total dominion of the surrounding world. Peace is not the desire, but more often than not a byproduct of absolute rule.

As the world currently stands, we have multiple countries, competing against multiple religions, all wanting their force their ideals on those around them. The only reason they want to force their ideals on others is because at some point, something important to their beliefs occurred in someone else’s land. Contention ensues, and war begins. People say they want world peace, but it will never happen as long as everyone believes differently.

That is where we step in. As we take over the world, continuity begins. The same military and police forces enforce the rules of the empire. Everyone becomes equal, except for the french who will be crushed into oblivion. Everyone hates france so what does it matter? Childish quarrels over holy lands will cease the moment of detonation. If the land is no longer valuable, the fighting will end. If the fighting continues, both fighting forces will be captured and publicly executed. The message will quickly spread that fighting will not be tolerated, and peace ensues. It has been stated by others, but it applies to this situation, Peace through Domination.

If anyone ever states they want world peace, enlist them into your plans. If they truly desire world peace, they will sign on. If they do not truly desire peace, they will make up some excuse and give you plenty of room. Helping you out either way.

Layoffs in any form can be very detrimental to the Overlord’s empire. Layoffs, which include firings, and mutual separations, harm moral since friends and acquaintances are leaving, and creates a potential hole in security because of knowledge now walking freely in the open.

The fix for this is really simple, and yet current corporations cannot bring themselves to implementing the proper course of action. The proper course to follow when needing to terminate someone’s employment is to simply terminate the individual. You transfer them into a “new” department, and then, when ties to others in the company have been severed, you do the typical Evil Overlord thing, and shoot them. You can do something elaborate, send them on a training somewhere and have the plane crash, maybe make some money from the insurance issues, but that gets kind of messy.

This does not address the true issue though, and that is the problem with your hiring practices. If there is a people conflict, odds are your managers do not know how to get along with their employees, or simply do not care. And very likely, one or the other involved never should have been hired in the first place.

Granted, you should work on, and solve the underlining problems, but let us face it, you chose to be an Evil Overlord not because of you understanding heart, but because of your ruthless, bloodthirsty nature. So go ahead and terminate those employees however you see fit. Anyone who complains, shoot them as well.

It is a sad fact that politics take such a predominant place in our society. If it were not for politics, we would probably all be living in peace with our neighbors, and have everything that we could ever want. On the flip side, if we were all living in peace, there would be no need for someone to be an Evil Overlord.

As a prospective Evil Overlord, you need to learn politics, and how to manipulate them. There is a lot of power available to the right person, you just need to muscle your way into the right position. Make connections, get to know people from all walks of life. If you have a bridge, be careful not to burn it. Once you have a network of people established, you can wield your little army with precision to accomplish all sorts of tasks pertinent to your take over plans. You can also use this army to manipulate local governments, rules, and regulations, to make your bid for world domination that much easier. Just be very careful to never contradict yourself, or to make a fool of yourself. Unlike Al Gore who is consistently in the news for all the wrong reasons.

If your scientists are ever lucky enough to stumble upon alien technology, exploit the new technology as much as you can. Reverse engineer everything possible. Use this new knowledge all throughout your empire. This will serve two purposes. The first, and most obvious, is that you will be so much farther ahead than your enemies. They will still be operating in today’s technology, while you will have the power of the future. The second, and probably the most crucial, when the aliens who mistakenly introduced their technology to you returns, you will be prepared for them.

Since you have already learned everything possible from their technology, they will not have anything to offer in exchange for help or what have you. You will probably also have discovered their armament and have that spread across your empire, making it so much easier to take down and destroy the aliens. After all, the odds are that they are here on Earth for a more sinister plan than just passing by, or to collect their fallen comrades. They are more than likely scoping the place out, figuring out how best to destroy us all. If you can fight back with their own technology, they aren’t going to want to start anything, and may just leave everything alone.

If these aliens turn out to be giant autonomous robots, technology alone is not going to save us. They are going to be big piles of moving, heavy, metals. They can and will crush you like a bug. At this point, your only hope is that an opposing alien robot force comes to fight along side your armies. At the end of the battles, odds are they are going to want something as well. So just make sure you have something in reserve to take them out as well.

Having been knocked out of commission recently due to an illness, it dawned on me why it is so important not to have a second in command. It would be too easy for that single individual to take over, to take control of your empire, and to knock you off. A second in command is a very bad thing in as much as it threatens your well being. But who is going to run things during those times that you simply can not? Not just during illnesses, but maybe while you are in hiding, or while you are away conducting other types of business.

We will not leave everything to chance. We are working towards being the Supreme Dictator for Life, not some wanna be with dim desires of greatness. We are smarter than all that. What we will do is set up a system of offices which control a specific function necessary for living and maintaining the government. These offices will be structured in such a way that they will always be in strife with the other branches as long as the number one guy (that would be us) is at the helm pushing things along.

Obviously, you can not be with every one all of the time. But you can give them direction, and goals to work towards while you are away. This way, they will continue to function as needed, but be unwilling to band together for any other purpose. Making it exponentially more difficult to band together to overthrow your rule.

These offices will also make things easier for you during the normal course of business, since they can worry about the mundane things, while you can strategically, and artfully, position all of your assets to conquer and overthrow the next government and country in line. With each new conquest, the next becomes easier, and so on. This system of rule can only work in your favor.