Overlord Academy

June 24, 2009

Proper Humiliation

Filed under: world domination — Elvenbane @ 12:12 pm

It is vitally important, when it become time to humiliate someone, to do it properly. You need to crush their soul. Obliterate all semblances of hope. Remove any chance, no matter how slim, that they will recover.

When it comes time to issue the killing blow or statement, it is best done in such a way that everything that they thought was their best chance for recognition or salvation, is dragged through the proverbial mud. This will signify to the worthless peon that no matter how hard they work, how valuable they thought they were, despite their best efforts, they are still worthless. Their net contribution value is negative.

After doing this, your would-be opponent has nothing to stand on. They will have nothing to attack you with for you will have removed everything. If done properly, they will never recover and will never be able to challenge you again. I

f you are going to all the effort required to humiliate someone, go all the way. It only requires a little extra effort on your part, and oh so worth it when you see that special look on their face when they realize that there is no washing that mud off their face!

January 16, 2009

Dr. Horrible

Filed under: announcement,world domination — Elvenbane @ 9:26 pm

I stumbled across a bit of fun. If you know who Joss Whedon is, then you probably know already if you like or hate his stuff. If you tend to like his stuff, please follow the blogroll link “Joss Whedon Fun” found near the bottom of this page.

Enjoy!

January 9, 2009

Back Off Jerk!

Filed under: government,law,world domination — Elvenbane @ 9:04 am

The weather here at the Overlord Academy has been atrocious the past little while. Because of this, the roads are absolutely horrid. On my drive in to the real world this morning, I watched (watched not view afterwards) six vehicles slide off the road. The roads were really awful. My own vehicle would slide to the left and to the right as I hit large patches of uneven road. Because of my superior driving abilities I was never in any danger. Except…

…There was this one ignoramus who insisted on driving five feet behind me. I left plenty of room between me and the guy in front of me, which was fortunate because he slid off the road several times which showed me where the really icy bits were. The dork behind me almost slid into me several times. To be honest, I do not know why he did not.

After World Domination is achieved, I am going to create a new task force. This task force, comprised of volunteers and a few government paid administrators, will have the ability to shoot and destroy those idiots who tailgate in dangerous conditions. Similar to what today was. Capture and torture will not be discouraged.

December 2, 2008

Communication Model

Filed under: government,office,world domination — Elvenbane @ 8:35 pm

As I have worked tirelessly to flesh out plans for World Domination, I have been forced to work and participate in what others have termed the real world. I hate the real world, it really is not much fun. I must admit, though, that many of the ideas that you read here have a basis in what happens there. Today’s lesson is no different.

Every position in the corporate world is given a particular segment of work to accomplish. As work is being accomplished and pushed out of the queue, new work is being pushed in. Your finished work is becoming new work for someone else, and so on. As this process continues, it becomes obvious rather quickly, that there needs to be some sort of organization as well as a great deal of communication.

Usually, organization will work itself out, sometimes requiring a push here and there, but communication never seems to be handled properly. There are many different forms of communication, in person, email, IM, forms, software and even the ever so helpful documentation. Every one of these forms has inherent flaws. Either you cannot be spread out, or not enough detail, or too tedious. The list can really go on and on.

As the Evil Overlord you need to always know what is going on with your organization. You do not always need to know the nitty-gritty details, although sometimes you might. Meaning, of course, that you need information reported to you in a dynamic fashion. How do we do this?

First and foremost, you need to establish a procedure. Each level in the organization needs to report specific information in specific directions. Sometimes this information is identical, sometimes it is tailored, but it should all be entered into the same ultimate system to allow for your audit drill downs, and quick summaries. Multiple systems become unwanted baggage, and will quickly become ignored by your subordinates.

For team communications, in person, email, IM, and simple documentation all can work. Simply make sure this information is captured and entered (email and IM can be connected to a system and automated.) Moving from one team to another may require documentation but should happen in the same system. As each task, project and bug is finished, the single application is noted. Making it simple for anyone at anytime to quickly see what is being worked on, how much has been completed, where hang-ups are occurring, who to get rid of, who to keep, and most importantly for you the Evil Overlord, who are your potential back-stabbers.

Communication is critical. Your success or failure is tightly coupled with this simple, yet crucial, concept.

November 7, 2008

Overlord Convention

Filed under: computers,office,world domination — Elvenbane @ 8:56 am

Conventions are great. You gather thousands of people who are normally competing for the same business opportunity, give a few speeches, provide some training, throw in a bit of a store, and soon they will all be working for you. A few of them may become offended and join the other guy, but still, conventions are great!
Currently, the company I am working for, as my day job, is holding a convention for all of our associates. Every year they try to outdo the previous year. Because of the economic times, and the desire to be profitable, the allowed budget was cut a bit. So obviously, some things had to be cut. Unfortunately, one of the things cut seems to be good sense.

When we hold the Overlord Convention, there are a few things which I promise will be followed. Some of this list includes the following:

1 Do not inform IT of your plans for network, computers, security, etc. an hour before it needs to be setup.
2 Name badges are great, it allows interaction to be personalized. Make sure it is easy to identify staff from the masses at a simple glance. Helps security out a lot!
3 Have the store layout and all displays pre-planned out. This greatly facilitates setting up the store, and also keeps murderous thoughts out of the employees’ minds.
4 Properly identify and lock down the employee break area. Non employees are not welcome and hurt the morale of those you depend upon.
5 Make sure all staff members know the company planned events, as well as other events which may be happening in the area. We want our staff to appear intelligent, not like a gathering of country bumpkins.
6 Make sure all areas are properly identified. If you want attendees to visit an area, it helps to be able to find said area.
7 Provide adequate training for staff members. If they are expected to demonstrate something they should know how to use it. Hands on experience is probably a good thing.
8 The biggest mistake I have seen is one person being in charge of too many things and not sharing that information with those who could help. If people are aware of something needing to be setup beforehand, then all components, tools, and man power can be pre-arranged.
9 Small things will always creep up that need to be addressed. This is to be expected. Do not shun help. You will accomplish more if you would spend a few minutes to explain the issue then if you were to just do it yourself, ignoring other problems which may be occurring.

All this being said, let me just point out one small fact. Although conventions are great and important, I sure do hate working at them.

August 19, 2008

Assassination Attempt

Filed under: world domination — Elvenbane @ 7:45 am

I am not completely certain on this, but I think that someone has attempted my assassination. What is even worse, they seem to have enlisted the unwitting assistance of one of the Evil Offspring.

Over the weekend, one of my spawn became very ill. Throwing up, and everything else you would associate with a bad flu. Who do you think contracted the illness next? That’s right, me! I spent all day yesterday either in bed or in the bathroom. By the end of the day, I wished I was dead! To make matters worse, in the middle of the night, I developed a head splitting migraine! Centered in my left eye, it did not just hurt bad, it ruined my balance, screwed up my vision, and nauseated me doubly so than the illness.

Now that I seem to be recovering, I am torn. On one hand, I would not wish this upon my worst enemy. On the other hand, BWAHAHAHA!

When I find out who started this, executions shall ensue!

August 11, 2008

Two-Fold Torture

Filed under: government,world domination — Elvenbane @ 9:00 am

I have discovered a great new form of torture. Blood Donating. It is painful and can have interesting side effects. Collecting the blood is good for the empire, extra blood to give to your soldiers when they need it, or for general health maintenance. This is one of those great for the empire and great punishment things. A win win situation. It is definitely not something I ever wish to experience… Again.

Let me just say that I had an interesting experience on Friday. To read about it please go here.

July 28, 2008

Personal Nemesis

Filed under: world domination — Elvenbane @ 8:27 pm

Every great Overlord has had his opposite. That one person who embodies all the good to counteract all the evil contained in one man. If any one person can end your reign of terror, it is this nemesis. It is obvious then, how important it is to mark out at an early time, just who your personal nemesis is. Once identified, you do not want to kill them. Nature will simply raise up another to take his place. Unfortunately it is the natural order of things. However, if you can subvert this person ever so slightly? I am not saying expect miracles, but the impossible begins to be possible. Besides, if nothing else, you know who you need to spy on, and who to keep under a constant surveillance.

I know who my nemesis is, and let me just say, I have corrupted them enough that I am already getting away with a lot! Pretty soon and I will have my nemesis actually helping me out.

Never underestimate them though! Always be on the guard. They can always revert back to all that goodness. Do not let them stab you in the back. Survival is always first and foremost! Keep a wary eye!

May 12, 2008

Pigeons

Filed under: announcement,law,seat of power,war,world domination — Elvenbane @ 9:15 am

I am officially declaring war upon pigeons.

During this past winter, a mob of these trash birds took up residence on the roof of the Academy. I was completely unwilling to climb up there in the snow and ice to take care of the problem, and the janitor staff managed to get roof work in their contract. I had no choice but to address it myself. (I may be plotting world domination, but I am not there yet. I must still follow the law.) Fortunately a couple of hawks took up residence nearby and scared the pigeons away. I was, however, left with an awful, smelly mess.

Over the weekend I found some time to finally get up there and fully assess the situation. I was dumbfounded at how bad things really were! The rain gutters were completely full of bird poop! Several sections of the roof were completely covered as well. I quickly gathered a few tools, garbage bags and my trusty leather gloves. I then ascended back up to the roof and began clearing the mess. Three garbage bags and thirty minutes of high water pressure later, the roof is once again, clean. There were even dead birds buried in all that poop! It was one giant disgusting mess! New torture method, burial up to the head in bird crap.

If the birds ever show up again, there will be no mercy. Out will come the spike strips. Out will come the traps. And out will come the bags of poisoned bird food. This past winter did not have mercy, only laziness. But that to will be gone if those filthy things return! I had a strong dislike for them before, but now it is pure hatred!

April 11, 2008

Do Not Care Packages

Filed under: government,law,office,world domination — Elvenbane @ 1:07 pm

I am fairly certain that most of society knows what a care package is. Especially in the sense of a VIP gift bag. The Evil Overlord needs to implement a Do Not Care Package system. I am sure once implemented it will quickly become more popular than the care package ever was. Instead of only using for special events, the Do Not Care Package can be used at any time one wished to convey their disappointment, disgust or even just their innate vileness.

The true beauty of this new system of showing your true feelings is that you can time these gifts to arrive at the perfect time to cause the recipient further embarrassment or other uncomfortable situations. For example, at a couple’s 50 year anniversary, you could send the wife compromising photographs of her husband. You of course want him to have a better understanding of where he ranks with you. (For you slower learners, you have a problem with the husband not the wife.)

The really neat thing with this new system is that it truly can be used whenever. You do not need a special reason. You could send the Do Not Care Packages to your heart content, or save them all for that one special moment to capitalize on their pain and anguish.

Perfect for the Evil Overlord!

April 8, 2008

Theme Song

Filed under: announcement,seat of power,world domination — Elvenbane @ 8:22 am

All of the truly sinister evil doers have their own theme song. Darth Vader has a very recognizable theme song. You hear that music and you KNOW something bad is going to happen. I want a theme song!

The Evil Overlord needs a theme song. Sinister sounds emanating from his person, or blaring from loud speakers as he enters the throne room. What better signal to give to the masses that their very lives hang in the balance than a perfectly crafted piece of music, a true work of art.

The operative word here is music. This by definition excludes country and rap. You may choose to go with standard billboard music, or even alternative, but for a truly great sinister theme, you have to utilize a full orchestra. The high piercings of the strings, the throaty sounds of the woods and the sharpness of the brass all combine to create a truly deep fear of the man approaching.

I think that this needs to be a special contest. Whoever can create a theme song that I find suitable, will forever be execution impermissible. All entrants will have a death reprieve through the end of the contest. Truly disgusting pieces of work will require execution at the end of the contest.

All you would be musicians, get to work!

 

March 12, 2008

Babble Talk

Filed under: government,world domination — Elvenbane @ 12:04 pm

Every regime has a desperate need to communicate quickly and precisely, having no fear of the opposing forces understanding what is being said. Ever. Before communism, during the height of the czars reign, the royal court spoke french. I am certain this is what led to their downfall, but they were on the right track. Royalty could easily communicate, and the peasants and servants would have no clue as to what was being spoken. State secrets were indeed kept secret from the populace, as long as no one spoke french.

As Evil Overlord, you need to follow the old Russian examples. You need a secret language that only a few trusted advisors can speak and understand. It needs to be versatile yet precise. It needs to be quick yet all encompassing. These seem as opposites, but they are doable. English started out that way, until all the rules and exceptions cluttered it all up. You need to employ a brilliant linguist.

The linguist that you hire will be given the task of devising an entirely new language. You may or may not choose to utilize a new alphabet. I encourage you to do so since it adds a secondary level of secrecy. Have him focus first on battle and business language. You can begin to use the new language right away. Internal memos, and over the air communication will be safe and secure.

However it is important that you hire a competent linguist. If you fail to do so, the new language will be broken quickly by the opposing governments and therefore compromising your safety. You will of course be forced to execute the previous linguist and hire a new one. The obvious problem with this course of action is the need to learn a new language all over again. The Evil Overlord has precious little free time as it is.

A true babel fish will destroy any hope of pulling this off.

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December 20, 2007

The Perfect Plan Has a Fallacy

Filed under: world domination — Elvenbane @ 11:16 am

The greatest evil empire in existence today has a major critical flaw. The stores started by Sam Walton have everything at cheap prices. Customers are driven there with the promise of smaller bill at the end of the day. At first glance everything appears to be set up with perfection, and despite the obligatory naysayers, the casual observer would swear that the plan is perfect. There is a glaring flaw which they seem powerless to correct.

Once you have collected in your cart everything your heart could desire from the heavily leaden shelves, you make your way to the checkout stands. With a simpletons grin, you are amazed at how many cashiers there are. You gleefully take your place at the end of a given line assuming that your turn will be quick in coming.

About twenty minutes later, you are horrified in the realization that you have only moved forward the length of two carts. With time, and repeat visits, you are further horrified that you continue to subject yourself to this hell. You have no loyalty to the empire, and only continue parting with your money because there is not a better place to go for all of your shopping needs under one roof. If something better were to come along, you would be among the first to go.

So what is it that ruins the shopping experience? It is not the cashier, the poor soul who is forced to take the brunt of frustrated shoppers. It is the poorly designed checkout stands. There are no clearly designated lines, each aisle leads to two stands. Customers who have finished their transactions are blocked by customers waiting their turn, which backs up the already clogged lines. There is no room to place items on the stands in preparation of checking out, and the rotary bag holders forces the customer to check, double check, even triple check that they have collected all of their bags. There is no location for large items to be placed, and the whole setup has limited surface space to even collect the items. Instead of quickly gathering the paid for items, the customer is forced to slow down and painfully collect their items, further backing up the lines.

This single poor experience has ruined the potential loyalty of these customers, thus leaving a huge open door for competition to step in and take over the market. As a budding Evil Overlord you need to learn from Sam’s mistake. The last experience a customer has defines the total experience. However you entice your subjects to take their first steps to captivity is one thing, but winning their hearts and therefore their loyalty is something else altogether.

October 18, 2007

Overlord Theme Park

Filed under: government,office,seat of power,world domination — Elvenbane @ 7:54 pm

Having put much thought into how best to convert the younger generations to your way of thinking, coupled with a forced trip to a cartoon based theme park in southern California, an Overlord Theme Park would be a perfect tool. Walt realized what he had in California, but recognized flaws in the initial design. He started plans for a better design in Florida, but died before completion. This is for the best, since his heirs have screwed up so badly, that they will never be able achieve what we will hope to achieve. 

Building upon Walt’s plans, we will do things differently. For starters, we will have the luxury to build wherever we want, because as Overlord, we do not care what we destroy to build what we want. We want to build where good weather is almost guaranteed, and getting to and from does not present new problems. Southern California would be ideal, minus all the liberals and tree huggers, and the extreme overcrowding. Nevada is too hot and dry. Utah gets snow and despite being a desert, a lot of rain. But manageable in southern Utah. Arizona is hot, dry, but has potential in more mountainous areas. So there are some good locations, wide open, and close to all ready established freeways.  We follow the plans for that place in Florida, one giant basement under the entire park. Access ways throughout the park allow for character movement without being seen, as well as keeping an eye on potential troublemakers. All utilities can be piped around in this area as well making future expansion easy and more flexible. Garbage cleanup is a must and can be gathered through vacuum tubes (central vac) also in this basement area. Storage safe from the elements can also be located here. In essence, we have a very useful space, completely out of the site of the public. Use your imagination. 

Visible to the public, outside and inside the park, very careful planning and effort needs to go into landscaping, building placement, shopping, and attractions. Quick and easy access needs to be provided which still maintains absolute security (your life is worth it right?) and minimal loss to potential income. Get the people in and out fast with no hidden surprises, while collecting money. All attractions need to be fun, with minimal wait times. People hate waiting. All attractions need to be based on a character, story, or other form of entertainment, making it easier for the public to become attached. Attached people have a hard time giving something up. This translates into more money and brain washing opportunities. Although we absolutely despise tree huggers and the whole hippie movement, we do want lots of trees, and other plant life. If nothing else, it provides shade, and other cooling factors. If you had to stand in line, would you rather be standing in the middle of an asphalt square, or under a tree? 

If you feel that a city sized park is what you want, be sure to provide free transportation around the park. If the back of the park never gets visited because it is too far away, you have wasted time, money, and overcrowded other parts of the park. Making a bad experience for attendees, and a disillusionment in your abilities as Evil Overlord. 

Finally, change is good. If a ride gets old or stale, don’t hang onto it for sentimental reasons. Continually give the park a face lift. New rides and attractions equate to potentially new visitors. Large, permanent, even trendy structures may seem like good ideas, but eventually the newness wears off, and you find yourself stuck with an eyesore with very limited usefulness. Learn from Walt’s mistakes, and admire his ideas. If used properly, generations will find themselves endeared to you instead of rebelling against you.

September 26, 2007

Not Dead Yet

Filed under: world domination — Elvenbane @ 8:10 am

I have unwittingly discovered a new torture device. Take whatever group you wish to torture and put them to work on a project. Give them a very definite deadline. Force them to work long hours, with constant promises of reward and potential future opportunities. When the deadline arrives, keep everyone awake and ready in case of any problems, for three days. Finally, instead of granting any sort of break or relief, put them back to work demanding more of their time, energy, and will to live. After a week of that, they will be willing to do anything.

While anything can be potentially bad for you, the Evil Overlord, for an individual skilled in torture, this can be a great asset. You will quickly recognize the breaking point, and be able to direct the pending explosion skillfully to achieve many of your goals. Goals that include removing the competition, getting media attention, or even just practice. The point is, you have now learned about a very effective torture tool. Any victim who happens to survive this torture method, will be able to wear the mantra, “I’m not dead yet.”

September 20, 2007

Red Tape

Filed under: computers,government,law,world domination — Elvenbane @ 9:01 am

Bureaucracy is a beautiful thing in any government. It is the greatest asset any governing body has in keeping the peasants at bay. Without all the red tape, the peasants would be constantly hounding you and your subordinates for anything and everything under the sun.

Paperwork is the backbone of a great system of red tape.  Long and cryptic forms force the weaker minded human subspecies out of scope, leaving only the truly determined, and potentially dangerous, peasants for the government to truly have to worry about. These few can then be micromanaged and bounced from department to department long enough for the real decision makers to decide how to handle the particular threat.

Although the proverbial paper trail is slowly vanishing, internet forms can be just as complicated, and even more troublesome than their paper counterpart. The forms can be hidden in such a way, that it is next to impossible to find and fill out. The only thing that you want to be easy, is payment of the fees. Anything that can pad the treasury is a good thing.

Change all forms on a random schedule, but always in the middle of a major sporting event. This will confuse the fools even further as they tend to browse the internet a lot right before a game, make a decision during the game, and then act after the game. By the time they act, the game has changed, and they are caught completely unaware.

This red tape can even be used within the government to keep the different groups from banding together and potentially staging a coup. Coups of course, tend to be bad for the health of the Evil Overlord.

An added bonus for the Evil Overlord, is that a special document can be set up that is easy to fill out, trumps all other orders and forms, and only available to the Evil Overlord that speeds up all processes, and gains him instant gratification of any want and/or desire. Thus making life hard for others, and easier for yourself.

Start now in writing up the red tape plans, they take time to create, and when finished, can be a true work of art.

September 5, 2007

World Peace

Filed under: france,government,war,world domination — Elvenbane @ 8:07 am

If you ask any stranger, and especially any beauty pageant contestant, what the single greatest thing they want to see, the answer invariably is world peace. They give this answer, not because they desire world peace, but because it is supposed that that is what others desire and want to hear. When we get right down to it, mankind individually desires power, wealth, and total dominion of the surrounding world. Peace is not the desire, but more often than not a byproduct of absolute rule.

As the world currently stands, we have multiple countries, competing against multiple religions, all wanting their force their ideals on those around them. The only reason they want to force their ideals on others is because at some point, something important to their beliefs occurred in someone else’s land. Contention ensues, and war begins. People say they want world peace, but it will never happen as long as everyone believes differently.

That is where we step in. As we take over the world, continuity begins. The same military and police forces enforce the rules of the empire. Everyone becomes equal, except for the french who will be crushed into oblivion. Everyone hates france so what does it matter? Childish quarrels over holy lands will cease the moment of detonation. If the land is no longer valuable, the fighting will end. If the fighting continues, both fighting forces will be captured and publicly executed. The message will quickly spread that fighting will not be tolerated, and peace ensues. It has been stated by others, but it applies to this situation, Peace through Domination.

If anyone ever states they want world peace, enlist them into your plans. If they truly desire world peace, they will sign on. If they do not truly desire peace, they will make up some excuse and give you plenty of room. Helping you out either way.

August 17, 2007

The Angst of Layoffs

Filed under: government,office,world domination — Elvenbane @ 10:23 am

Layoffs in any form can be very detrimental to the Overlord’s empire. Layoffs, which include firings, and mutual separations, harm moral since friends and acquaintances are leaving, and creates a potential hole in security because of knowledge now walking freely in the open.

The fix for this is really simple, and yet current corporations cannot bring themselves to implementing the proper course of action. The proper course to follow when needing to terminate someone’s employment is to simply terminate the individual. You transfer them into a “new” department, and then, when ties to others in the company have been severed, you do the typical Evil Overlord thing, and shoot them. You can do something elaborate, send them on a training somewhere and have the plane crash, maybe make some money from the insurance issues, but that gets kind of messy.

This does not address the true issue though, and that is the problem with your hiring practices. If there is a people conflict, odds are your managers do not know how to get along with their employees, or simply do not care. And very likely, one or the other involved never should have been hired in the first place.

Granted, you should work on, and solve the underlining problems, but let us face it, you chose to be an Evil Overlord not because of you understanding heart, but because of your ruthless, bloodthirsty nature. So go ahead and terminate those employees however you see fit. Anyone who complains, shoot them as well.

August 14, 2007

Fortress Approach Defenses

Filed under: seat of power,world domination — Elvenbane @ 8:15 am

As you begin planning, and then building your Seat of Power (fortress), you need to pay special attention to the approaches of this structure. You need to weigh the importance of easy access for day to day operations against slowing down possible would be attackers. Your fortress may be impregnable, but we really want to prevent attackers from reaching the structure.

We will begin with constructing a wall around the perimeter of the property. This wall will have only one opening, with large gates sealing shut the opening whenever needed. The wall should angle out has it goes up, making it that much harder for someone to climb over. The top should be covered in razor wire coils, and broken glass shards.

If by some ill fate of luck, the attackers have penetrated past the wall, we must now engage our more sinister tools. Just inside the wall, a security road circles the property. As soon as the attackers reach this road, secret mechanisms activate which drop the surface of the road fifteen feet, into a spiked pit. With any luck, many if not all of your attackers will die in the fall. If not, reset the road, they will be trapped with no way out. They will die of hunger and thirst. You could drop and reset the road many times during the attack.

If they make it past the road, the grounds need to transform into a maze with deadly booby traps. Kill, hurt, and maim the attackers. If they reach the actual fortress, their resolve is fairly strong, and you must rely on the defenses of the fortress itself from this point forward. Some of these defenses could already be employed. All during the attack, snipers from your fortress could be taking pot shots at the foolish attackers.

August 3, 2007

Vacations

Filed under: france,office,world domination — Elvenbane @ 12:40 pm

The problem with taking vacations as Evil Overlord, is that no matter how well prepared you leave the office, some problem will arise fifteen minutes after you leave. Instead of remaining focus on regular duties, everyone focuses on this new issue. The odds are, had you remained in the office, you would have deemed the issue unimportant and nothing would have been done anyways. Instead you have the entire employed force working on a stupid issue and not accomplishing anything else. In the end, solving the one problem will only bring up thirty more problems, and that is what you will have to look forward to at the end of your vacation. No work done, and new disasters to have to take care of.

While away, someone will always need to be able to contact you, but if you are not careful, your vacation will quickly turn into not a vacation. If you truly cannot trust your underlings to think for themselves, and to obey orders, set aside no more than one hour each morning. At the end of the hour, cut all communication. You need to relax, you have too much on your shoulders, and if you do not relax, you are going to be wound up tighter than any politician working on a pet project.

It is true, when you return to the office, you will have a huge back log of emails, phone messages, and paper documents to go through, but if you planned accordingly, you will be just fine. If you cannot plan for, or anticipate this potential mess, you are better off not taking a vacation. In truth, you are better off not pursuing a career of Evil Overlord. You are a pansy, worse than the french, and should just turn back now.

July 17, 2007

Politics

Filed under: government,world domination — Elvenbane @ 1:10 pm

It is a sad fact that politics take such a predominant place in our society. If it were not for politics, we would probably all be living in peace with our neighbors, and have everything that we could ever want. On the flip side, if we were all living in peace, there would be no need for someone to be an Evil Overlord.

As a prospective Evil Overlord, you need to learn politics, and how to manipulate them. There is a lot of power available to the right person, you just need to muscle your way into the right position. Make connections, get to know people from all walks of life. If you have a bridge, be careful not to burn it. Once you have a network of people established, you can wield your little army with precision to accomplish all sorts of tasks pertinent to your take over plans. You can also use this army to manipulate local governments, rules, and regulations, to make your bid for world domination that much easier. Just be very careful to never contradict yourself, or to make a fool of yourself. Unlike Al Gore who is consistently in the news for all the wrong reasons.

July 16, 2007

Mrs. Evil Overlord

Filed under: world domination — Elvenbane @ 2:16 pm

Another problem with being married, as Evil Overlord, is that in order to tolerate being married to you, the Evil Overlord, your spouse will naturally have some of the same qualities necessary for an Evil Overlord. What this means, is that your wife will quickly earn on her own activities, the title of Mrs. Evil Overlord.

It will not take long before she will be trying to not just kill off your friends, and trusted advisors, but maybe even you. She will want her own entourage, slaves, and secret laboratory. Soon she will have her own doomsday device, and will be threatening to destroy the world if she doesn’t get her way, or if she gets really mad. Meaning, the world will be threatened once a month, every month.

If you find that you are already married, you had better learn to harness her anger, and focus it on your own plans. Keep her engaged in activities that will benefit both of you. You cannot ignore her, nor do you want her to gain more power than you yourself have. If that fact is inevitable, embrace the fact that people will soon be calling your wife, Mrs. Evil Overlord. And be prepared.

July 9, 2007

Weather Control

Filed under: world domination — Elvenbane @ 1:41 pm

There is some type of weather that you absolutely dislike. I hate rain. Snow I love, and sleet I can tolerate, but rain, I hate. If I could, I would eliminate rain all together. However, I am not a great fool, I know how important rain is for sustaining life, especially my own. Instead of eliminating rain, if I had a weather control device, I could turn off the rain if I had something planned for the outdoors, or even for a few minutes as I need to be outdoors. Making life for the Evil Overlord, me, so much more enjoyable.

As a side benefit of a weather control device, it can be used as or in conjunction with a dooms day device. It can also be used to target parts of the world to make them fruitful once more. There are many deserts which get very little moisture which could be turned into fertile soil. There are other parts that get too much rain, and they can be toned down a lot. So the evil overlord would not be the only one benefitting from a weather control device.

It is too important, you must be able to control the weather. It works like this, you have this device, and it controls the weather. It is simple. The design is beautiful. Everyone will want one, and only one will have it.

July 5, 2007

Pursuing Other Opportunities

Filed under: world domination — Elvenbane @ 2:57 pm

If an employee ever gives the reason for employment termination as, “Pursuing Other Opportunities,” or something similar, you are in for some rough roads. We all know that the unspecified other opportunity is a very lucrative position with the competition, and they do not want you to know about it. You do not want them to leave, because you know that they will leak out all of your plans, and business dealings. This is really bad, because us an Overlord hopeful, your competition is another Overlord hopeful. Someone as ruthless as you. You do not want to make a counter offer, because you know they are unhappy under your employ, and may seek extra funds by selling company secrets on the side.

You are left with but a single option. Shoot to kill. You do not want your plans leaked. You do not want any possibility of it happening. Even if the individual had zero access and zero knowledge, you still want to prevent the other guy from having a top notch employee. You know they are top notch because otherwise, you would not have hired them.

A side benefit of this course of action is that employees will no longer be interested in pursuing other opportunities. If they know they will be shot, they are not going to be looking. If they are not looking, they will not know who to go to attempting to sale your secrets.  You now have to work on ways of keeping them from going postal, but at least your secrets are safe.

June 28, 2007

Powers of the Force

Filed under: elves,france,world domination — Elvenbane @ 8:47 am

As stated in previous posts, no matter how strongly you may wish, you will never have special powers. X-Men mutants can never happen, and the power of the force is not real. You cannot crush throats like Darth Vader. You cannot shoot lightning out of your hands like the emperor. And no matter how cool Yoda is, you will never be as awesome. The force, and mutant powers are all make believe. We are reiterating this fact because there are those of you who continually ask for instruction, and talk about, these powers.

If you find that in spite of reality, you do have special powers, use them. Use your powers often. Use your powers in the open. Make the peasants and other world leaders fear you! Be careful not to disfigure yourself using your powers like the Emperor. Make sure you do not drive yourself insane denying the powers that you have.

Since no one else has these powers, you are special. There is no one else to teach you. There is no one for you to rely on. The world governments will try to control you, and people will fear you. It is going to happen. So learn to use your powers fast. Do not shun them. That way, when the governments do come around, you can control them instead, and use them in your plans for World Domination. The hated land of france will be a good testing ground. The people are pansies, and will in no way try to stop you. They will just look the other way and talk about the latest vintage. You can also use elves as targets.

One of the biggest pitfalls of having powers, will be the tendency to rely on them completely. This is bad. Powers can be blocked or countered leaving yourself defenseless. Do not shun other weapons. Know how to use high and low tech weapons, and always keep some on your person. Hidden. Secret, and unknown from even your closest advisors.

June 27, 2007

Keeping Your Promise

Filed under: world domination — Elvenbane @ 6:58 pm

It is often stated that the caliber of a man, can be determined very easily by whether or not he keeps his promises. Does this man follow through with what he said he was going to do? Or is he the type whom you can depend on never keeping his word? The Evil Overlord needs to be the first type. This is not so that people will know he is honest. This is so that people know, without any doubt, that what he says he will do, he will indeed do.

 

For most people, when they threaten to destroy the world, we would simply laugh at them, and continue on with what we are doing. If the budding Evil Overlord threatens to destroy the world, and everyone knows that he will follow through with his threats, then you know you darn well better give into his demands.

 

As we can plainly see, for the Overlord who always follows through, his job is already that much easier. The populace knows that he will do what he says. Destroy france, turn Iraq into glass, flood Australia, all amazing events, but you know they will happen if the Overlord says it is going to happen.

 

Always follow through with what you say you are going to do. Otherwise you will constantly have to do everything possible to maintain control. You will be forced to reach and struggle with everything, instead of having the people of the world giving you what you want.

June 26, 2007

Second in Command

Filed under: government,world domination — Elvenbane @ 6:43 am

Having been knocked out of commission recently due to an illness, it dawned on me why it is so important not to have a second in command. It would be too easy for that single individual to take over, to take control of your empire, and to knock you off. A second in command is a very bad thing in as much as it threatens your well being. But who is going to run things during those times that you simply can not? Not just during illnesses, but maybe while you are in hiding, or while you are away conducting other types of business.

 

We will not leave everything to chance. We are working towards being the Supreme Dictator for Life, not some wanna be with dim desires of greatness. We are smarter than all that. What we will do is set up a system of offices which control a specific function necessary for living and maintaining the government. These offices will be structured in such a way that they will always be in strife with the other branches as long as the number one guy (that would be us) is at the helm pushing things along.

 

Obviously, you can not be with every one all of the time. But you can give them direction, and goals to work towards while you are away. This way, they will continue to function as needed, but be unwilling to band together for any other purpose. Making it exponentially more difficult to band together to overthrow your rule.

 

These offices will also make things easier for you during the normal course of business, since they can worry about the mundane things, while you can strategically, and artfully, position all of your assets to conquer and overthrow the next government and country in line. With each new conquest, the next becomes easier, and so on. This system of rule can only work in your favor.

June 22, 2007

Lines of Communication

Filed under: computers,world domination — Elvenbane @ 10:24 am

Either during the implementation of your bid for World Domination, or during your reign as Supreme Dictator for Life, the standard lines of communication will be severed. Communication is critical to your rule. You have to be able to have two way flows of information between you and your subordinates, and then out to the peasants. You need to make sure that back up forms exist.

During World War I and II, homing pigeons were used to send messages. It is true that pigeons often made a tasty meal for large birds of prey, and many messages did not make the final destination, but it is a form of communication that should not be ignored completely. In a pinch it will do. There has even been an implementation of IP over Pigeon. (Computers talking to computers.)

Do not use messengers. Men are too easily swayed. A good messenger is too hard to come by, and too easily dispatched by the enemy. Since man is always thinking of himself, your secret documents are more than likely sold to the highest bidder less than five minutes after they leave your hand.

Since transmission lines are easily severed, and because of the known difficulties of the above methods, you will be forced to rely on radio and microwave technologies. Although it is easy to block these signals, they cannot be blocked indefinitely. You can too easily bounce the signal around and get your message out.

Since radio communication will be pretty much required, you need to learn how to operate and repair radio equipment. There are many radio clubs with members more than happy to teach you this knowledge. Use them! Learn everything you can. These clubs are also a good source of future communication specialists for your future armies, or your massive propaganda machine.

Although many governments no longer require you to learn morse code in order to obtain a license to use radio, you are strongly encouraged to learn it. Since no one else is learning morse code, you would be able to tap out orders in the clear and no one would be able to interpret your orders.

Morse code could also be used in sending smoke signals. Granted, another faulty form of communication, but when in a pinch, you will use whatever you have available.

If you really need to get a message out fast and widespread, make use of the female gossip channels. People twelve hours away will hear you message less than ten minutes after you have finished giving the message. This is still a mysterious phenomenon, but it exists, and as Evil Overlord, you are not above using whatever is at your disposal.

The point is, always maintain lines of communication. If one line goes down, follow a set method of transferring to another form. Always have a back up. As soon as you can, get the previous method back up in working order. A successful Overlord is a well informed Overlord.

June 21, 2007

For Listening

Filed under: law,world domination — Elvenbane @ 9:04 am

Invariably, you will have some down time, or other times that you may wish to listen to music. Your subjects will also wish to listen to music. This is all fine and good, but we need to define what is and is not classified as music, and the punishment for violating the music standard.

Music will be defined as anything played by an orchestra or sung by a choir. Rock bands, alternative, and even soul will be considered music. Folk will be tolerated to a point. Operas, plays, musicals, and even renaissance bands will be allowed.

Rap is not music. Rap is a punishable offense. Punishable in any way the Evil Overlord deems necessary at any given moment.

Country is not music. In no way is this horrid concept even allowed to be discussed as music. Mentioning this awfulness outside of reading this law is punished by a quick death. Playing and/or creating this abomination will be punished by a slow, and very painful death. Anything sounding remotely like country will be considered country.

After a few years of this ban being in effect, some of those so called country stars may find that they have their dog, wife, and jobs back. With rap being outlawed, our street corners and random recording studios will again be safe. Gold will no longer be bought up and made into such gaudy forms of bling. The world will have a more pleasant sound surrounding it. Soon country and rap will be but a painful memory for the very old, and a ghost story to be told around the campfire.

June 20, 2007

Population Control

Filed under: computers,world domination — Elvenbane @ 8:26 am

There have been several inquiries concerning population control. Some have wanted to limit who may partner with whom. Still, others want to dictate further who may obtain education. The point of all this, is to maintain a firm grip on potential troublemakers. The thinking is this, if intelligent people partner with dumb people, their offspring will be dumb, and follow your instructions blindly. If intelligent people partner with intelligent people, their offspring will be able to think for themselves, and will quickly recognize that they do not want you as their ruler, and will plot to over throw your empire. This is just bunk.

Completely daft parents are fully capable of having absolutely brilliant children. Highly intelligent parents can have utterly brain dead children. Let the people partner with whom they will. There is no point in wasted your efforts with such a fickle endeavor. Besides, secret engagements will always happen.

So how can we control the populace? Simple, we watch them. We listen to them. We monitor them in every way conceivable. Television sets will have embedded cameras and microphones which continually feed data. Telephones are automatically bugged. All electronic equipment will have similar bugging. We will offer free upgrades to new equipment, and when enough have been put into circulation, we begin to act. Make a few dramatic arrests. Have some of them end in a fire fight. Fear will control the populace.

Because of fear, conspirators will not meet together. Messages will not be sent. No one will know when it is safe to talk about forbidden things, and so they will not speak of them. If would be conspirators cannot communicate, they will have a hard time organizing any sort of rebellion against you. The simplest and most effective form of control. Fear!

This is just a start. Use your imagination. What other forms of control can we have in our arsenal? Remember, we want the populace to THINK they have freedoms. We do not want them to think that they are being controlled, at least, not directly.

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