Overlord Academy

Every prospective Overlord needs an alarm system. This system is not just about keeping the would be hordes from entering your abode, but also to help keep in the minions, prisoners, and guests of state. Never pay a monitoring service! They charge insane monthly amounts for doing absolutely nothing. All you need is the right equipment, some simple software, and you can monitor the system yourself! The Overlord Academy is currently in the process of revamping it’s alarm system. Soon I will be able to arm, disarm, panic button whatever, from the ease of any arm chair in the world. This is in thanks to the state of the art network and VPN system as well as custom in house alarm management software.

The official location of the Academy has finally changed. Everything is in disarray as boxes are being unpacked, and the torture implements are put away. The dungeon is a nice frigid temperature. This new facility is brand new, state of the art! The cafeteria microwave does not just beep at you when it is done, no, it plays music!

The minions are excited! Oddly enough though, they are not helping with the unpacking, but have instead jumped head on into their experiments.

This location is so much better than the last location. When I’m not busy torturing the captives, or teaching the minions, I can gaze out upon a frozen wasteland and plan my world domination. You need to have your dreams!

As is evident by looking at the posting date of my last post, it has been a slow year.

It has not been a slow year. In fact, it has been an extremely busy year! So busy, that no time was allotted in updating the blog. So, a quick synopsis shall be given.

The minions are all a year older. The minion’s pets have been evicted. One sank it’s fangs into my arm, and quickly learned how to fly.

It is also time for a great announcement! The academy is once again going to move! This move should be the final move. A new building is being constructed. Just yesterday the footings were poured. The design phase is already completed. It is sit back and wait time.

The IT department is thinking about changing technology with the move, but I’m not holding my breath!

секцииJust a general FYI. The move of the Academy is finished, and is being considered a success. Despite the caverns of “junk” which had to be relocated, the move went off with only minor glitches.

Due to a security breach, it has been determined to be prudent to move the Academy to a new secret location. The new location has some special benefits which I am sure will be found to the liking of the student body.

There will be minimal downtime in connectivity while the internet connection is moved. Fortunately the move is happening after the current semester so the students should have no interruptions to their studies.

Defenses have already been installed at the new location, as have the outdoor training facilities. Although there will be new equipment arriving tonight. With a little bit of luck, this will be the last temporary location before the final home of the Academy is constructed.

Thus we come to the end of 2009. As the Dean it is my job to give an end of year review. Much has happened, both good and bad. And so, if you will join me as we engage the way-back machine…

The economy is a complete shambles and I blame the democrats. Despite that, the Overlord Family was able to take a few vacations this past year. There was the standard week at Trial Lake. There was much fishing, game playing and overall merry making. There is a huge vacation planned for this coming year. The minions are all looking forward to that one! Their reward for not offing me.

The minions are all growing at an alarming rate. Of the four, I believe it is the youngest which will actually become a threat. Already he is destroying the Seat of Power. Captain Destructo is what we call him.

Mrs. Overlord is modifying her alter ego slightly, and is giving up her external job. Lets just say that the minions are becoming too large of a threat! Hopefully she will be able to reign in the destruction.

Tank One has had a few breathing problems this past year, but is extremely healthy in spite of his down time. He is the comedian here at the Academy. Every school must have one I guess.

The Princess seems to be on top of everything. She will be tested in the next few months for advanced placement. You always worry about these types of tests, but I’m not that concerned, she is a dead ringer for every one of the requirements.

Mini-Me is just cruising along. Oddly enough he is captain of the Academy’s track team. He being one of the only members of the staff who enjoys running. He spends a lot of time in front of the computer as well though.

The media player has been upgraded, the firewall has been strengthened and the media server is in the process of being moved to a beefier machine. There has been talk of switching out the internet provider to one which is slightly more stable, quicker, but no static IP. Meaning safegaurds will have to be implemented in order to ensure that this site remains available. More headaches for the IT department I am sure. But still just in the discussion phase.

This has been a tremendous year for the Academy, and this coming year looks to only improve. And hopefully, updates will become more frequent.

Doomsday device plans are beginning to come together, supplies may be purchased in the next couple of months to begin construction. Then again, probably not.

I am officially declaring war upon pigeons.

During this past winter, a mob of these trash birds took up residence on the roof of the Academy. I was completely unwilling to climb up there in the snow and ice to take care of the problem, and the janitor staff managed to get roof work in their contract. I had no choice but to address it myself. (I may be plotting world domination, but I am not there yet. I must still follow the law.) Fortunately a couple of hawks took up residence nearby and scared the pigeons away. I was, however, left with an awful, smelly mess.

Over the weekend I found some time to finally get up there and fully assess the situation. I was dumbfounded at how bad things really were! The rain gutters were completely full of bird poop! Several sections of the roof were completely covered as well. I quickly gathered a few tools, garbage bags and my trusty leather gloves. I then ascended back up to the roof and began clearing the mess. Three garbage bags and thirty minutes of high water pressure later, the roof is once again, clean. There were even dead birds buried in all that poop! It was one giant disgusting mess! New torture method, burial up to the head in bird crap.

If the birds ever show up again, there will be no mercy. Out will come the spike strips. Out will come the traps. And out will come the bags of poisoned bird food. This past winter did not have mercy, only laziness. But that to will be gone if those filthy things return! I had a strong dislike for them before, but now it is pure hatred!

All of the truly sinister evil doers have their own theme song. Darth Vader has a very recognizable theme song. You hear that music and you KNOW something bad is going to happen. I want a theme song!

The Evil Overlord needs a theme song. Sinister sounds emanating from his person, or blaring from loud speakers as he enters the throne room. What better signal to give to the masses that their very lives hang in the balance than a perfectly crafted piece of music, a true work of art.

The operative word here is music. This by definition excludes country and rap. You may choose to go with standard billboard music, or even alternative, but for a truly great sinister theme, you have to utilize a full orchestra. The high piercings of the strings, the throaty sounds of the woods and the sharpness of the brass all combine to create a truly deep fear of the man approaching.

I think that this needs to be a special contest. Whoever can create a theme song that I find suitable, will forever be execution impermissible. All entrants will have a death reprieve through the end of the contest. Truly disgusting pieces of work will require execution at the end of the contest.

All you would be musicians, get to work!

Having put much thought into how best to convert the younger generations to your way of thinking, coupled with a forced trip to a cartoon based theme park in southern California, an Overlord Theme Park would be a perfect tool. Walt realized what he had in California, but recognized flaws in the initial design. He started plans for a better design in Florida, but died before completion. This is for the best, since his heirs have screwed up so badly, that they will never be able achieve what we will hope to achieve. 

Building upon Walt’s plans, we will do things differently. For starters, we will have the luxury to build wherever we want, because as Overlord, we do not care what we destroy to build what we want. We want to build where good weather is almost guaranteed, and getting to and from does not present new problems. Southern California would be ideal, minus all the liberals and tree huggers, and the extreme overcrowding. Nevada is too hot and dry. Utah gets snow and despite being a desert, a lot of rain. But manageable in southern Utah. Arizona is hot, dry, but has potential in more mountainous areas. So there are some good locations, wide open, and close to all ready established freeways.  We follow the plans for that place in Florida, one giant basement under the entire park. Access ways throughout the park allow for character movement without being seen, as well as keeping an eye on potential troublemakers. All utilities can be piped around in this area as well making future expansion easy and more flexible. Garbage cleanup is a must and can be gathered through vacuum tubes (central vac) also in this basement area. Storage safe from the elements can also be located here. In essence, we have a very useful space, completely out of the site of the public. Use your imagination. 

Visible to the public, outside and inside the park, very careful planning and effort needs to go into landscaping, building placement, shopping, and attractions. Quick and easy access needs to be provided which still maintains absolute security (your life is worth it right?) and minimal loss to potential income. Get the people in and out fast with no hidden surprises, while collecting money. All attractions need to be fun, with minimal wait times. People hate waiting. All attractions need to be based on a character, story, or other form of entertainment, making it easier for the public to become attached. Attached people have a hard time giving something up. This translates into more money and brain washing opportunities. Although we absolutely despise tree huggers and the whole hippie movement, we do want lots of trees, and other plant life. If nothing else, it provides shade, and other cooling factors. If you had to stand in line, would you rather be standing in the middle of an asphalt square, or under a tree? 

If you feel that a city sized park is what you want, be sure to provide free transportation around the park. If the back of the park never gets visited because it is too far away, you have wasted time, money, and overcrowded other parts of the park. Making a bad experience for attendees, and a disillusionment in your abilities as Evil Overlord. 

Finally, change is good. If a ride gets old or stale, don’t hang onto it for sentimental reasons. Continually give the park a face lift. New rides and attractions equate to potentially new visitors. Large, permanent, even trendy structures may seem like good ideas, but eventually the newness wears off, and you find yourself stuck with an eyesore with very limited usefulness. Learn from Walt’s mistakes, and admire his ideas. If used properly, generations will find themselves endeared to you instead of rebelling against you.

As you begin planning, and then building your Seat of Power (fortress), you need to pay special attention to the approaches of this structure. You need to weigh the importance of easy access for day to day operations against slowing down possible would be attackers. Your fortress may be impregnable, but we really want to prevent attackers from reaching the structure.

We will begin with constructing a wall around the perimeter of the property. This wall will have only one opening, with large gates sealing shut the opening whenever needed. The wall should angle out has it goes up, making it that much harder for someone to climb over. The top should be covered in razor wire coils, and broken glass shards.

If by some ill fate of luck, the attackers have penetrated past the wall, we must now engage our more sinister tools. Just inside the wall, a security road circles the property. As soon as the attackers reach this road, secret mechanisms activate which drop the surface of the road fifteen feet, into a spiked pit. With any luck, many if not all of your attackers will die in the fall. If not, reset the road, they will be trapped with no way out. They will die of hunger and thirst. You could drop and reset the road many times during the attack.

If they make it past the road, the grounds need to transform into a maze with deadly booby traps. Kill, hurt, and maim the attackers. If they reach the actual fortress, their resolve is fairly strong, and you must rely on the defenses of the fortress itself from this point forward. Some of these defenses could already be employed. All during the attack, snipers from your fortress could be taking pot shots at the foolish attackers.